6 Ways To Help Your Military Child Through a PCS

When I flew to Richmond, Virginia, in February, 2017, it was to help my new husband PCS from his AIT at Fort Lee.

It was like a vacation. Ten days at a Candlewood Suites, during which I slept, read books I’d had on my list for years, and binged Once Upon a Time, all while he out-processed.

In the evenings, we made dinner together, explored the surrounding area while playing Pokemon Go, and enjoyed being together after months apart.

Lovely. And at the time, I thought every PCS would be as dreamy.

Ha.

As I write this post, I’m vegged out on the couch, avoiding the last minute cleaning before the movers come to pack tomorrow.

My husband and 3-year-old are sprawled on the floor next to me, playing with Legos for the last time for a while. He-Man and Dinotrux figures made it to my son’s handpicked assortment of toys that will be squished into his Batman and MOTU backpacks in a couple weeks—the Legos will be packed tomorrow.

He’s run the emotional spectrum about every realization regarding this move, from saying “see you later” to his home, friends, and toys, to saying “nice to meet you” to a new state, shorts (this boy was born during an upstate New York winter—he barely remembers what shorts are!), and a bedroom all to himself.

For a visual of those emotions, watch the short video capture of my son’s reaction when he walked into our home at the end of our pack out day:

My little guy is one who likes routine. He notices when anything is out of place. He responds when someone is feeling “big emotions.”

How do you help your child get through all the changes that come with a PCS, especially all those emotions?

Here are the six things we’ve done:

1. Make the PCS official.

We told him that we were going to move when it was “official.” My husband and I knew about our PCS about 18 months ahead of time, thanks largely to my enrollment in the EFMP.

Once orders were cut, we opted to tell our then 2-year-old that times were a-changin’. Not today, we said. But soon.

He grew accustomed to words like “moving,” and “Texas,” and we didn’t shy away from the questions he has asked about where we are going or if he would be seeing his friends here at Drum when we “came back.” He now understands we will be living somewhere else, too far away to see his friends from here every day.

Which brings me to—

2. Show it on a map.

This one could look different depending on your child’s age (maybe you point it out on a globe or ask Google/Alexa to give the distance deets). The visual helps younger children understand what’s happening. Consider talking time zones with older kids and teens, who will want to know when they can call their friends.

3. It isn’t goodbye.

We’re keeping in touch with the people who are important to him. It helps everyone when leaving a duty station means “see you later” and not goodbye. Whether your child has oodles of friends or just a couple, there are bound to be people he or she will miss.

Childhood friendships can be formative and lifelong. I met my own childhood best friend when we were 6; at 32, we still video chat a couple times a year. We’re actually PCSing closer to her, and I fully intend to visit!

Let your child know that the relationships can continue by phone, email, letters, video chat, or even visits (whatever works best for everyone involved).

4. Talk about feelings.

Talk to your child about his or her thoughts and feelings. Your child may be excited about finally getting to wear tees and shorts after a lifetime of near constant layers. At the same time, they could be distraught about leaving friends. At the same time, angry as all get-out about missing the science fair he or she has been talking about for months.

It’s hard to feel any of those things. Harder still, to feel them all at once.

And the craziest part? The part that we, as parents, often forget?

They’re feeling all these things about changes over which they have no say.

Your service member chose the military lifestyle. You and your service member chose each other. (Don’t get me started on the “Well, you chose this life” speech so many milspouses hear.)

Your child did not choose this life or the constant flux that comes with it.

Big emotions are to be expected, and in my opinion, should be given some grace.

(Note: I’m not condoning acting out. There are right ways to express emotions. I am, however, saying that a conversation about the root of the issue may be worth skipping the line ahead of lecture or punishment.)

5. Discuss change.

Talk about the changes that may put the PCS in a positive light. In my recent Instagram post, I talked about taking the high road in military life. It is comes with unique challenges. Specifically in reference to helping military kids navigate a PCS, I wrote about the importance of showing your child the good things that could (or will) come from the specific move: New friends (to add to the current ones, never replace), a new room to decorate, possibly more independence, and so many more opportunities!

6. Get your child involved in the PCS process.

If time permits, consider letting your child choose the clothes and toys that travel with with you. If you are doing a full DITY move, this one may not apply as much, as your child will be reunited with all their things relatively quickly. If you’re like me and aren’t yet an expert packer, you may be doing a partial or full pack out with contracted movers.

In either of these cases, your child’s room will not be completely set up for a few days, or up to a few months depending on where you go and how you choose to unpack.

That’s hard.

Familiar and favorite clothes, toys, books, and other belongings are a source of comfort. They are a reminder that some things stay the same. Not everything is taken away. A move isn’t a punishment, but rather, a new adventure, wherein some “old friends” can join in the fun.

A child usually knows what will bring comfort on the tough days better than the parent does. For this reason, I highly suggest having your child set aside some things for the trip.

Regardless of whether your child is 2 or 16.

This list is just a few of the ways my husband and I have helped our son adjust to the idea of our move. I’d keep going but it’s now midnight…and the truck is getting loaded tomorrow.