I’m currently in an emotionally confusing time before my husband deploys. I want to soak up every moment with him and at the same time, I’m so ready for him to go.
It’s not that I don’t love him…
I’ve just had enough of this stressful time. I want to get into the new routine I know I will need once he goes. But right now is just a tortuous waiting game.
Within one day, I go through a range of emotions from crying to being angry. You see if I pick a fight with my husband, then him leaving will be easier.
It’s simply a survival tactic.
We’ve been here before, so you would think I would be prepared for this. However, every deployment is different. Each time, we are at different stages in our lives, in our careers, etc.
So what I did to prepare for the last deployment, won’t necessarily help with this one. Plus I have actually done the most to prepare for this one. So you would think I’m ready…
But you would be oh so wrong.
I’m not ready to be a single parent again. Or to be the only one making decisions. Or to take on all the household chores and then some. 
However, I am ready to keep the house the way I like it without someone (other than my toddler) messing it up.
Or to be the only one deciding what to watch on Netflix.
Or to decide to take a random trip in the middle of the week if I want to.
Life is messy and hard. As humans we often feel two conflicting feelings at once. It’s learning how to handle those feelings that matters.
Have I handled these contradicting feelings well? Probably not my best moments – obviously picking a fight is not the answer. But my husband and I have done many of what we call “check-ins”. We know we love each other and that this too will pass.
So do I want him to go?
Not at all.
But am I ready for him to leave?
Absolutely.
ALL THE FEELS HERE, because I GET IT. Those last lines: Lived it. Thanks for sharing this, Annie… Gonna resonate with so many military spouses.