8 Ways to Support Gold Star Family Members

It’s an unfathomable thought: losing a spouse or child while in service to their country. But for so many, it’s more than a thought; it’s a world-stopping reality. Most of us who have ties to the U.S. military know Gold Star family members, who directly suffered such a loss.

I know my family has, first through my husband’s long service with the Marine Corps, and today in my role with Hope For The Warriors as the director of intake services for Gold Star Families and Families of the Fallen. 

It’s difficult to know how to respond when a friend or a member of your extended family is going through a loss of this magnitude, but here are a few ways you can help:

1. Continue to be a loving person.

Perhaps the most important thing to remember is to continue to be a friend and loving family member. Be there for those who are trying to find their way through this overwhelming loss.

2. It’s okay to have no words of comfort.

If you don’t know what to say, tell the grieving spouse or parent that you don’t know what to say. You’ll find that your presence is what’s important to them. Provide an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry upon. 

3. Help where you can.

They will need help, too. The things we normally don’t think about in our everyday life become impossible to think about, much less accomplish. There are the simple things, like running errands or going to the grocery store, or more physical tasks like cutting the grass, cleaning the house, or doing the laundry. Whatever the need, be willing to step up without being asked.

4. Support their children.

Make sure you support the children in their time of loss, too. Again, you don’t have to say a lot. Take a walk with them. Throw a ball in the backyard. Take them to the park. Let them know you love and support them.

5. Avoid certain phrases.

And even though you may be trying hard to be supportive to the family, when searching for something to say, there are certain phrases you should avoid, like:

• “They’re in a better place.”
• “You’re so strong.”
• “God won’t give you more than you can handle.”
• “You’re young; you’ll find someone else.”

6. Maintain the connection.

Don’t be a stranger after the immediacy wears off. Keep them on your speed dial. Let them know you’re still thinking about them. Include them in things you do. Be consistent and available. If they decline one invitation, remember that it isn’t personal. Keep asking.

7. Watch out for difficult times.

It’s always good to ask questions about difficult times they may be having. Be aware of birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and other key family events and check in during those times.

8. Share stories.

Over time, don’t be afraid to share stories of their loved one with them. Continued support of these families is critical. Show up to a kid’s ball game or school events. Remember birthdays. In this time of quick communication, write a letter sharing a memory. 

Even though it may be difficult, it’s our job—our duty as Americans—to never forget these families and the sacrifices they’ve endured. Their legacy can live on with us telling their stories to our children.

It’s important that we, too, remember to grieve and be patient with ourselves. Go to grief counseling, meet up with other survivors and friends. It’s okay to cry with them. Some may feel guilt that their friend or buddy was taken too soon and they’re here without them. Sometimes it helps to live a life worth of their sacrifice and dedicate our achievements to their memory. These heroes would want us to carry on their memory and live life well while remembering them. 

If you see a Gold Star family that needs support, be it emotional or other, please share Hope For The Warriors’ information with them so they can explore our programs and services. 

Author’s note: A special thank you goes out to Gold Star spouses Jenn McCollum and Juli West, who shared their thoughts and experiences with us.

Michelle Pompos, MSW, is the Director of Intake Services, Gold Star & Families of the Fallen Liaison at Hope For The Warriors. She’s also a certified financial social worker and military-trauma certified. Pompos graduated with a bachelor’s degree in social work and a minor in psychology from the University of North Carolina at Wilmington in 2012. After working as a hospital social worker for five years, she earned her master’s degree in social work and a military trauma certificate at East Carolina University in 2018. She is a military spouse and has volunteered with military family readiness programs, Navy Marine Corps Relief Society, and CREDO for more than 27 years. She’s married to Retired USMC Regimental Sgt. Maj. AJ Pompos. Their son is an active-duty Coast Guardsman stationed in North Carolina.