Bubble Baths and a Box of Chocolates

I come from a large family that insists on a rowdy bi-annual family reunion. One year, my brother decided to hold the reunion at his gorgeous new home. Theoretically, it sounded perfect. There was a large yard, swimming pool, outdoor kitchen, and we were meeting during a mild weather month so tent camping on the lawn. And when the day came, forty men, women, and children arrived all at once, with suitcases and cars and tents and toys.

Forty people. One home. An entire week.

Right around day 3, I opened the pantry closet and found my sister-in-law hiding inside. Desperate for a minute of peace, she’d simply stepped inside a dark food pantry and stayed there for a still undisclosed amount of time.

It’s a great family story we all laugh about now, but at the time, I remember thinking we’d broken her. But no, resilient and strong, she simply needed a minute of quiet to recenter and found it hiding inside her kitchen pantry with a box of Triscuits.

Fast forward to a year ago when my spouse was deployed. I was working full time, running (and growing) my own business, homeschooling two children, managing the household, dealing with the start of a pandemic, and failing miserably at self-care. If my kitchen pantry had actually been large enough to stand inside, I would have spent a lot of time in there with a box of Triscuits.

I don’t think I need to elaborate more on the idea that I was failing miserably at self-care. We milspouses get told all the time to be sure and take time for self-care, but in more than 15 years of military life, I’ve still not been able to figure out how to do that.

And I know I’m not alone. I’m guessing there is a tribe of military spouses out there that are shaking their heads in understanding while fighting for two minutes of alone-time in the bathroom.

Am I right?

So, one day a few weeks ago, as I hid in my bedroom, I found myself having a pantry moment. I had just finished my faster than lightning shower—multitasking in a towel—scrolling madly through Instagram and debating if I had time to check email messages while racing the “Mom, what’s for breakfast?” clock, when I read the words, “True self-care is creating a life you don’t need to regularly escape from.”

Woah. I wish I could credit the social media account that gave me that aha moment. But, for now, let me just restate the idea that true self-care is living a life that makes me happy.

So it’s not bubble baths and chocolate? Massages and spa days? A weekend at the beach with my girlfriends? Sure, those have their place in the self-care lineup, but instead, maybe real self-care is focusing on things that allow you to feel good about yourself all the time.

That might mean making hard decisions and sharing a more authentic side of who you are. At the same time, you’ll have to learn acceptance when friends are authentic right back at you. Don’t we all prefer the messy, unflattering normalness that makes us human to the hyper-filtered image we portray in social media snapshots?

So, what is creating a happy life? Well, unfortunately, it doesn’t come as the prize in the box of bonbons. Instead, it is some hard work, tenacity, dedication, strong will, and an understanding of who you are. It might mean you’ve got to wave goodbye to toxic relationships or stand up to well-meaning, advice-giving family and friends that only have your best interest in mind. You might have to downsize your “stuff” chaos and spending and enjoy what you have now. It might mean having a good cry when you let go of your dream of fitting back into your wedding dress and turn your focus to the beautiful strong body that years of PCSes, children, and military life have created. You might not always have a catalog-worthy clean house and you will most definitely have to say no to your children.

But when the day comes that you gaze back on your life there won’t be regrets or I-wish-I-hads because you’ve spent a life being happy. And yes, it can absolutely include a bubble bath and a box of chocolates, if that’s what makes you happy.