Construct Your Independence

When you marry a service member, your life often becomes more about them than you. Where you live is dependent on your service member. But what about your independence? Where does that come in? There are a lot of moments in military life that make it feel like it’s missing.

You must know your service member’s social security number to make medical appointments and, eventually, you rattle it off without a second thought. When someone asks for your social, it seems harder to remember.

Your service member’s name is on your ID card along with your own. For a period of time, their social also appeared on your ID card.

You can’t take charge of your move or your house without a power of attorney specifically stating that you can. That can extend to financial aspects, too.

You quit jobs because following your service member is more important to you than your career. You frequently choose love over career progression.

All of these situations can make you feel extremely dependent on your spouse. It can spark the question, “What about me?”

I recently read an article about this exact situation, and it got me thinking: With so much of a milspouse’s life in the hands of the service member, you have to find ways to break the cycle.

We’re called “dependents,” but we’re so much more.

It’s easy to get comfortable being a spouse and a parent, and there isn’t anything wrong with that. Our service members need our support. It doesn’t take long to figure that out in military life.

But I always try to remind people, there’s a you here, too. 

That doesn’t mean you put yourself ahead of everyone, but it does mean finding out who you are. It’s one area of your life that you have complete control over.

It’s taking your “dependence” and turning it into independence.

We’re military spouses, but we’re so much more.

Think about the last time you met someone new. What did you talk about?

When I meet new spouses, I enjoy shifting the conversation from where they’ve lived, what their service member does, or details of their service member’s careersor their children, and turn the conversation to the spouse.

Do you or did you work?

What are your favorite things to do?

Where have you traveled in the last year?

Are there any organizations or causes that are important to you?

You’d be amazed at the number of times I’ve watched their faces light up. 

It’s as if we’re so used to talking about the military that our conversations frequently go that way. But they don’t have to. Find out who you are and help a fellow spouse do the same.

In case you were wondering, milspouses aren’t the only ones who may struggle with finding their identity. Psychology Today wrote an article about just that. They suggest focusing on the acronym (because we’re so good at that!) VITALS. This stands for Values, Interests, Temperament, Around-the-Clock Activities, Life Mission and Meaningful Goals, and Strengths.

Here is a deeper explanation of what these terms mean and questions you can consider to help develop your identity:

Values

This is an easy one. Values are what you use as motivators to meet your goals. What’s important to you? It could be anything from helping people to financial security. Your values can direct what you do. If a career isn’t at the top of your list, you can volunteer with organizations that match your values, helping you feel more fulfilled.

Interests

This is another easy one. What do you enjoy doing? These should be things you always want to make time for or could spend an entire day doing. For me, it’s reading or writing. Others may choose exercising, traveling, being out in nature, biking, gardening, home repairs, and more. For some, your career path may fall in line with your interests. Think about the following: What are you the most curious about? What grabs your attention? What is your passion?

Now all you need to do is do these things. Taking part in things that interest you, either alone or with others, can help you feel like you’re developing yourself, shifting you into your own sense of independence.

Temperament

These are your natural preferences, meaning they’re personality traits that are outside of your control. If social situations energize you, then you’re likely an extrovert. If you tend to shy away from social settings or feel the need to recharge after being social, you may be an introvert. Do you require planning in advance, or are you able to wing it without suffering from stress or anxiety? Are you detail-oriented, or do you see the bigger picture?

Once you know the answers to these questions, you can gravitate to situations where you’ll flourish, rather than suffering through unnatural situations that inhibit your personal growth.

Around-the-Clock Activities

The easiest way to discuss this is to ask: When do you like to do things? Are you an early bird or a night owl? Do you feel the most energy during a certain time of day? The science-y way to say it is, knowing when you’re at your best can help you respect your biorhythms. Your body naturally responds a certain way over the course of a day. If you respect those biorhythms, you may find that life is just a bit more pleasant.

For example, once I get that first cup of coffee, I’m ready to take on the day. If I wake up early enough to be up before my kids, I can read while I sip my caffeinated goodness and be more prepared to get the kids ready. One misstep can easily ruin your day, so starting it off the way you need it helps. This may not always be easy to do, especially when the service member’s demands can butt into your schedule. You’ll have to shift this how you can when needed.

And when you need to veer from your biorhythms, you can feel better about it by going back to your interests and doing some of those things.

Life Mission and Meaningful Goals

If you’ve ever found yourself saying, “I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up,” this area of VITALS may be helpful. Consider these questions: What have been the most meaningful events of your life? What have you experienced that strongly impacted you? They’re big questions. I know for many, having children is a meaningful event that stands out against others, watching these innocent little beings grow, develop, and learn. Maybe something having to do with children is your life mission—child care, teaching, tutoring, counseling.

Once you answer those questions, you’ll have a better idea of a career path that may make you feel more fulfilled, where you can volunteer to get the most out of the experience, and what can help you feel the most personally satisfied. You may discover you’ve found your “place.”

Strengths

This is a sort of culmination of the other aspects of VITALS. What are your strengths? Think about what you’re good at doing, but also consider your character strengths. Maybe you love to learn and find yourself constantly seeking out knowledge—this is me and a big part of why I became a journalist.

Character strengths, as discussed by researchers Christopher Petersen and Martin E. P. Seligman, include: Wisdom and knowledge (creativity, open-mindedness, and love of learning), courage (bravery and integrity), humanity (love and kindness), justice (leadership and fairness), temperance (humility, self-control, and forgiveness), and transcendence (hope, spirituality, and gratitude).

You can continue to work on your character strengths but also develop what may be character weaknesses. Then you can choose to do things that benefit your strengths, be it interests, passions, hobbies, volunteering, or finding a new job.

 

 

All of the VITALS can help you understand who you are, what interests you most, where your place in military life is without it being entirely about your service member. You can find volunteer or even paid positions that focus on your self-identifiers, not the experience from your resume. You can find a balance between military life and who you are in this life. It can help you feel more adapted to this lifestyle rather than simply going along for the ride.

It can take you to a new level of (in)dependence that allows you to be so much more than a milspouse. Because there is a you here, a you that deserves to feel fulfilled despite all that’s asked of you as a military spouse. A you that can flourish now and grow more when your service member leaves the military. A you that is much, much more than a “dependent.”