Fonder Heart, Crazier Brain?
Yesterday afternoon, I stopped at the commissary to grab some things, when I found myself in the health and beauty aisle. Without thinking, I grabbed my husband’s brand of body wash, popped it open, and inhaled deeply. The next thing I knew, I was clutching that bottle with tears running down my face. I rushed out of the aisle and quickly paid for my purchases.
Later that night, I sat down to watch a movie about a woman who had a crazy stalker. I was shaking my head, thinking “how crazy is that guy,” watching him dance to a song in a little closet filled with pictures of the woman.
At that moment I looked up at Flat Daddy and felt slightly crazy.
I mean, I have two of my soldier’s dirty brown T-shirts zipped tightly in a plastic bag, so I can smell him.
I was sniffing his body wash in the grocery store while crying.
I am guilty of leaving the clothes he left on the bathroom floor so I can pretend he’s still here, and occasionally, I slip some of his clothes in the laundry basket so I can fold them.
I have not danced with Flat Daddy, but the thought occurred to me.
Once, when I was making one of my kids’ beds, I hugged his Daddy Doll tight, and occasionally, I have conversations with the various Daddy Dolls that inhabit our house.
I know I’m not a stalker, but I still feel a little crazy sniffing his aftershave and sleeping with his T-shirts (this is a rare treat—heaven forbid I lose the stink from the shirt!). I think deployments are making me crazy!
If he was here I would be using barbecue tongs to put his PT clothes in the laundry, but in his absence, I am sniffing the armpits of his dirty T-shirts to feel closer to him.
I know they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I guess you can add that it makes the brain a little crazier.
Dear Sarah,
Just honest blogs. My heart aches for you and wishes there was something that could be said to all of you walking this road. The only thing is putting one foot in front of the other, which is what you are doing. Thank you for the transparent emotions. I know that it helps many who have this same journey. For those of us not walking it, but missing a soldier, you teach us how to be there for the ones we love. It is so true that the kids always need so much when we have little to give. They will be fine. I hope that you can soon get a short time out, even a day away would help.Prayers for you and your family
Kathleen
Don't feel too crazy. Believe it or not I do the EXACT same things! I found myself leaving his dirty towel from his shower before he left hanging over the curtain rod for the longest time because I wanted to feel like he was still around. We send each other shirts back and forth sprayed with perfume and cologne and keep them zipped up tight in a zip lock bag. And yes, they are treats…I only snuggle with it on really bad lonely nights. I save all emails, pictures, texts, and recent calls just to see his name. The funny story about the cologne on tshirts is that we didn't think of that right away and I had to buy him deodorant and send it to him because they didn't have his brand at the PX on base in Afghanistan and I opened his deodorant and rubbed it ALL over a shirt before I boxed it up and sent it to him..of course I added a little note “just so you know it smelled just like you and I had to open it and rub it all over a shirt, I just didn't want you to think someone had been using it”. He thought it was so sweet and decided that we should send each other shirts with perfume and cologne.
Deployments make us all a little “crazy”.
Don't feel too crazy. Believe it or not I do the EXACT same things! I found myself leaving his dirty towel from his shower before he left hanging over the curtain rod for the longest time because I wanted to feel like he was still around. We send each other shirts back and forth sprayed with perfume and cologne and keep them zipped up tight in a zip lock bag. And yes, they are treats…I only snuggle with it on really bad lonely nights. I save all emails, pictures, texts, and recent calls just to see his name. The funny story about the cologne on tshirts is that we didn't think of that right away and I had to buy him deodorant and send it to him because they didn't have his brand at the PX on base in Afghanistan and I opened his deodorant and rubbed it ALL over a shirt before I boxed it up and sent it to him..of course I added a little note “just so you know it smelled just like you and I had to open it and rub it all over a shirt, I just didn't want you to think someone had been using it”. He thought it was so sweet and decided that we should send each other shirts with perfume and cologne.
Deployments make us all a little “crazy”.
I use David's deoderant and switched to his brand of razor a long time ago.
I have a sort of shrine, for lack of a better word. It's a valet set-up that has different t-shirts and hats on it…in rotation, kind of like a store window.
I think we all sleep with laptops, or I sleep with my smart phone.
And I have his last clothes still folded and sitting on the dryer, because I couldn't bear to put them away and “settled in” till next time.
I'm sure there's more. The craziest thing I do is keep it all in, especially knowing there's so many of us out there that are like us going through the same.
Thanks for putting it out there Sarah!
You are not alone! We're all part of the crazy club, I think. When I am missing him, I go sit in his truck – smells like coffee, sweat, fuel, the field….we all know 'that' smell. A friend (non-military) suggested I get it detailed for him as a gift. NO WAY! That is my refuge, my reminder of all that is him. I sleep in his most prized t-shirts (I would never have that luxury while he is at home), use his pillow, still wake every morning wishing he was beside me.
You're not crazy. These things are a right of passage as a military wife and being love with a man who is a part of something bigger than himself. If you weren't doing them, then there might be something wrong with you.
I can't tell you how much this post just meant to me.
I had one of those cry myself to sleep nights last night – one of those I lay down and can visually and mentally recreate how his hands feel on my skin, the sent of his breath, the sound of his snore, the way he sleeps – and I lost it.
It's like you hold it together all day, forced to be strong – but it the sadness and anxiety just lay right beneath the surface ready to bulge up. Then you smell a cologne ad thats his, or you touch one of his teeshirts, you watch military movies, you read books he loves, you sit in his truck because you feel somehow connected when you are miles apart.
Thank you for writing about this – it made my heart feel a little bit safer tonight knowing someone else is going through the same thing.
Mrs. B~ That's what I'm always saying. When people ask how I am, they want to hear, “Fine.” I say, if I'm doing fine something isn't right; I'll be fine when he gets here…
Sarah, Star, Kelly, everyone else: It's a military wife thing that others (even our guys) don't understand. I know that if Matt knew that I did something like that – he would tell me it was gross and to wash his shirts right away. I kept a shirt that he had worn while home on a pass before leaving country. I would sometimes slep in it. I sprayed his pillow with his deodorant and cologne. Like Star, I even switched to his razor. It's just something we need to do.
Wow… I am a National Guardsman's wife so I'm not around a lot of other military wives. It makes me feel so much better that I'm not the only one that sometimes sits in our closet to find a shirt that still smells like him or I keep a bottle of his body wash in the bathroom just so I can smell it. I'm glad I'm not the only crazy lady walking around 🙂
Wow, I deffinately feel better now. This is one of those harder nights when I dug through my husband's closet for his old ragedy sweats that before I would beat into the washing machine with an entire box of baking soda and now I am currently wearing them. My mom origionally went through all joe's stuff and boxed it up for me because we were going to move soon and out of sight out of mind seemed like a good idea at the time. Now I have a house full of empty boxes and I wear my husband's shirts to bed. At least I'm not the only one.
I do the same things