I’m Not a Perfect Parent (and Neither are You)
Recently, my 6-year-old had a homework assignment about creating a chain reaction. We drafted our plan using sketches of how we would set up dominoes to fall over, tap a ball, the ball would roll down an incline and tap the remaining dominoes as they split into a fork. We spent hours setting up dominoes, knocking them down by accident, and starting over. Finally, everything was in position and still standing despite two younger siblings “helping.”
My 6-year-old got into position and gently tipped the first domino. We watched them fall, hearing a satisfying clink as each domino made contact with the one in front of it.
The last domino in the row fell, tapped the ball, and perfectly launched it down the incline. The ball tapped the next set of dominoes, a few fell and then…
…nothing.
Hours of trying to make it work and it didn’t.
We were all a little bummed, and honestly, we might have been overly ambitious.
That experiment got me thinking about our current struggles as parents.
Like many of you, I’m currently staying home with my entire family until everything corona blows over. With that, comes a number of struggles.
This is not like summer vacation.
At all.
It’s a completely different beast of a struggle that many of us aren’t familiar with.
Summer vacation gives us the chance to swap kid duty with a neighbor, send the kids outside to play, or sign our kids up for summer camp or other activities to give them social time and fun away from us (the parents).
But now?
There’s no social playtime.
School activities have been canceled. Heck, even school is closed for the remainder of the school year for many kids.
My service member can’t go to work. Many spouses can’t either.
So here we all are, spending a whole lot of social time in small spaces with nothing but our family members, trying to entertain, teach, mold, develop, entice, and interact with our kids.
All. Day. Long.
We’re painstakingly placing the dominoes every day, trying not to accidentally nudge one and make the entire thing collapse.
Are you feeling exhausted?
Are you a week into schooling at home and already handed out three lunch detentions and threatened expulsion? I’m kidding. Sort of.
Are you waiting for the chance to step into your service member’s combat boots and kick them out the door for some separation?
Do you feel horrible for even thinking that way (after all, we never know how long we have them home)?
Are you trying to grocery shop for your family only to feel like a contestant on the show Chopped?
You aren’t alone.
Because really, most of us are dealing with the same thing.
I’m struggling to understand what addends are, teach my oldest child how to form complete sentences and use proper punctuation, and keep my kids focused and engaged enough to complete their daily hour-long school session.
Listen, over the next six months (yeah, I heard you gasp. It’s going to be six months until my kids are back in school), we’re going to get it wrong sometimes. We’re going to knock down a lot of dominoes.
Because I’m not a perfect parent. And neither are you.
We aren’t used to this.
Sure, as milspouses, we know what it means to solo parent 24/7, but not many of us know how to do that when there is no social interaction.
Remember to give yourself some grace. You won’t always get it right.
Sometimes you might throw the papers up in the air, huff out a breath, and walk away from the latest school assignment. It’s OK. Reset the dominoes—tomorrow is a new day.
You might be feeling anxiety, worried that you’ll teach your child the wrong thing, and then they won’t be able to continue to the next grade or even graduate from Elementary school, and then they’ll be stuck without a high school diploma for the rest of their lives, unable to get a job or have a future. Take a breath. It’s OK. What you couldn’t get through today can be shifted to tomorrow. Reset the dominoes—tomorrow is a new day.
You might find yourself scolding your kids more than you’re praising them. It’s OK; give them extra snuggles before bed and plan a fun activity for the next day. Reset those dominoes—tomorrow is a new day.
You might find yourself snapping at your service member about the dirty dishes in the sink instead of in the dishwasher or for not giving you a break to catch your breath. It’s OK; give them a hug and apologize. Reset the dominoes—tomorrow is a new day.
You might find yourself closing the closet door and sneaking some chocolate when you’re supposed to be playing hide and seek. It’s OK; you don’t need to explain that one to anyway. We get it. And hey, you didn’t knock over any dominoes over! Good for you!
You might sit your kids in front of Disney+, Netflix, or a favored device for a few more hours than you should. It’s OK. Reset the dominoes—tomorrow is a new day.
You might be ready to tear out your hair. It’s OK. Reset the dominoes and take a deep, cleansing breath. Tomorrow is a new day.
I’m not a perfect parent, and neither are you.
And you don’t have to be.
Most likely, you aren’t a teacher, or a referee, or a chef, or a housecleaner, or an engineer, or an expert on all things your kids are learning, but right now, you wear all of those hats.
Or maybe you are actually educated in one of those subjects, but you aren’t used to being a parent/spouse/everything else at the same time (or to your own kids).
It doesn’t mean you need to be perfect. It’s OK to burn a meal, to skip vacuuming for a few extra days, to take extended learning breaks, to separate the kids so you can give your whistle a break, to find that your toddler threw two full rolls of toilet paper in the toilet when you weren’t looking (ask me how I know), or to support a local business with a to-go order.
Work together as a family unit. Give yourself grace. Take a breath and remember that tomorrow is a new day. Give your children squeeze at bedtime, tuck them in, and give yourself an hour to recover from the day.
I’m not a perfect parent, and neither are you.
But, we’ll keep resetting the dominoes as we go, and when this is all over, the chain reaction of “normal” will follow.
