Domestic Violence Happens Here, Too

I’m currently pursuing my master’s in social work and had the privilege of doing a field placement with a local domestic violence agency working with domestic violence offenders. It was an eye-opening experience, to be certain, but also a very rewarding one. Now, I’m at a different agency with a different purpose (an emergency shelter for children), but the domestic violence cases still roll in. It’s heartbreaking work and full of as many tragic endings as happy ones, but I’m grateful to be doing it.

However, I found myself talking to an acquaintance about my work one day, and she said the most interesting thing:

“It’s so heartbreaking,” she told me. “I’m so glad those things don’t happen here.”

 

And I couldn’t even be upset with her, because I know there are a lot of people who feel the same way.

I live in a “nice” neighborhood, I go to a “great” church, and we are surrounded by “good” schools. My family and I spend time with people who have “good” jobs and make “good” money and stay involved in our “quiet” community. On the surface, everything looks quite idyllic.

But you know what? It happens here, too.

It’s an ugly reality we don’t want to talk about, but chances are, it’s occurring in your school, in your church, in your neighborhood, and maybe even in your own home. The military is no exception to this (in fact, some reports suggest that rates within the military may be higher than the civilian population—although the majority seem to believe rates are similar). And no matter how much all our friends and neighbors and co-workers smile and laugh and joke during the day, we have no idea what’s occurring when they go home and close their doors.

More than likely, it’s happening behind some of those doors. Would you recognize domestic violence if you saw it? Would you know what to do about it even if you recognized it?

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month—but, in my opinion, awareness is only the start. We also need to be informed.

Here are six crucial things you should know about domestic violence:

1. Domestic violence is about power and control.

Everything that happens in an abusive relationship is about one person getting and maintaining control over the other person. Sometimes this is accomplished through fear and sometimes through manipulation. The ultimate goal is always power and control.

2. Domestic violence offenders do not need “anger management.”

On the contrary, they tend to be very very good at managing their anger. In fact, many are highly skilled manipulators and know how to use emotion to their advantage. Domestic violence is unique in that it is only targeted at a family member or intimate partner, so someone perpetrating domestic violence at home might also be one of the nicest, friendliest people you’ve ever met in the workplace or grocery store.

3. Abusive relationships go through predictable cycles.

There is usually a period of homeostasis, where all is stable. Then something will either gradually or suddenly trigger an abusive episode, which may last a matter of minutes, hours, or days. After the abusive episode occurs, there’s often a “honeymoon period” full of apologies, gifts, and promises that the abuse will never happen again. And, gradually, things will grow stable, until the cycle repeats itself.

4. Abuse is not always physical.

Domestic violence can also come in the form of emotional abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, and economic abuse and is usually some combination of all of them. In these cases, an abuser may constantly put down his or her partner, threaten to take children away, or prevent them from getting a job in order to maintain control. But don’t be fooled—non-physical abuse is often just as damaging as physical harm.

5. Domestic violence often goes both ways.

When one partner becomes abusive, it’s common for the other partner to respond the same way. This becomes a mechanism of control in itself—it’s much harder for either to call the police or report the abuse because they were also a part of it, or may feel that they started or instigated it. However, just because both parties become involved in the abuse doesn’t mean that neither party has the right to stop it.

6. It isn’t easy to “just leave.”

Remember what I said about power and control? Well, this is where that comes in. A person who is experiencing domestic violence has very little power or control. Their abuser will wear them down physically and mentally, keep them financially dependent, and threaten them in order to force them to stay in a relationship. Someone fleeing an abusive relationship may leave with literally nothing, then face the overwhelming prospect of trying to start over with no home, no belongings, no job, no money, limited skills and experience, and the frightening risk of encountering their abuser. Does that sound easy to you? While it’s incredibly frustrating and concerning to see a client return to an abusive relationship, we also have to realize that, for many, the fear of the unknown is more powerful than the fear of the known. On average, it takes a person seven attempts to leave a violent relationship, although some don’t get this many chances.

7. Domestic violence often escalates during pregnancy.

There is no “safety net” in pregnancy for a woman experiencing domestic violence. In fact, pregnancy makes it even more difficult for her to escape an abusive relationship, and she is at an increased risk of harm during this time.

If you need help…

But what can you do? Hopefully, none of these facts apply to you; however, if they do, please know that you are not alone. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is an amazing resource that can connect you with local resources in your community, help you develop a safety plan for your family, or even help you get out of an abusive relationship. Call 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233.

Here’s how you can help others…

If those facts don’t apply to you but you think you know someone who is currently experiencing domestic violence, reach out to them when their partner isn’t around. Make sure they aren’t in immediate danger, and ask what you can do to help. Provide them with the hotline number or other community resources you may be aware of. Come up with a safety plan for when things escalate, and consider keeping extra clothes or copies of paperwork safe in case they need to flee abruptly. Some of our clients would even agree upon a secret signal with a trusted neighbor (like turning on or off a porch light) so that the neighbor would know if they needed help.

 

 

If you don’t know how you can directly help someone experiencing domestic violence, then support all victims. Consider donating clothes or household goods to local domestic violence agencies or emergency shelters. Advocate for continued care for domestic violence victims and firm consequences for domestic violence offenders. Keep your eyes and ears open. More than likely, someone around you has been impacted by domestic violence. It happens everywhere.

Help us spread awareness about domestic violence and the resources out there to help stop it.