Supporting Our Troops: How to Respond When Someone Doesn’t

Before I met my husband, James, I had no connection to military life beyond my grandfathers who both served in WWII. In my world, the military was a foreign, invasive force that attracted only those who sought out and enjoyed violence.

It wasn’t just the US military. I felt this way about all those who I believed chose war—otherwise, why choose to be in the service?

In those initial months dating James, I had so many questions. I could not put together the idea of this tremendously kind, gentle, compassionate man who I was getting to know to be the same person who I would have assumed to choose violence and anger before anything else. Needless to say, this was the early part of my journey of transformation in my beliefs about military service—where I can now stand by my husband with pride as he serves our country, and I feel honored to be a military spouse.  

In each election year since we’ve been together, military service and care for veterans becomes a hot topic in so many of our social circles. Since my own learning experience, I’ve sought to build bridges and understanding between those who describe themselves as supporting our troops and those who don’t.

How do we respond when someone doesn’t agree with us about the value of military service? Do we seek to build a bridge? Do we respond with anger? Perhaps we seek to create boundaries—maybe all of these at once. No matter how we feel, we are living in community with people who will disagree with us.

Here are a few reflections from my experience on how to respond when someone doesn’t support our troops:

Stay calm and breathe deep

First things first: we likely have strong feelings about this! It’s personal. First step, breathe deep. Remember that it’s OK for people to have their opinions, no matter how much what they say may upset us. Whatever it is you want to say, it will always be better received when it’s delivered in a calm way.

Seek to build bridges before seeking “being right”

What’s the common theme of political or big picture conversations? Wanting to make the world a better place for those we care for. In life, people we disagree with are in our friendships, our places of worship, our workplaces, and our families. We can choose our words when we’re motivated by the desire to prove them wrong and be the one in the right, or we can choose those that build a bridge and understanding. A great way to build bridges is to ask questions about another’s perspective and where they’re coming from.

Offer conversation, not criticism 

If you’re like me, people have said things to you about military service that make steam come out of your ears (don’t even get me started on deployment comments!). Time after time, I’ve started a comment novel on social media only to erase it after I’ve had a few minutes to calm down. Are these things going to change someone’s opinions? No. Could a trusted relationship where people seek to find compromise shift a person’s ideas? Yes. So far, offering to have a conversation in a private setting with someone has shown a lot more opportunity for change than criticism—particularly public criticism. Before correcting or criticizing what someone has shared, are there ways we can say what we want without criticism?

There is a way to have differing political opinions and support military service

This consideration has changed the way I have conversations about military service. Of course, I see now how much my understanding of service members was once so skewed and misinformed. Yet, many of the opinions I once held about military management or logistics are still things I tend to think. There is a way to be a supporter of military service and have differing opinions politically. Knowing this is possible allows us to connect with people who we may initially write off because their ideas differ from ours. Just because someone holds a certain belief politically does not mean they cannot fully appreciate our spouse’s service. By seeking to build bridges, we have a chance to show people the intricacies of military service and what it means to us and our country.  

Not everyone will support the military…and not everyone wants to build a bridge.

*sigh* I struggle with this myself. Why doesn’t everyone appreciate the sacrifices we make as a family? Why can’t everyone see the honor of serving our country in this way? Doesn’t our hardship matter to them? Don’t they care about my husband and me enough to support the military? Not everyone will support the troops in the way we think they should, if at all. But, this is the one of the many freedoms our soldiers fight for—freedoms for our loved ones and strangers to believe whatever they want. Our soldiers serve our nation whether or not the ones we love appreciate what they do. We can still have relationships with and love those who disagree with us. If we encounter those who don’t want to build bridges or stay in healthy relationship with us, we then can choose to set the appropriate boundaries. This has been what I’ve struggled with the most (but there’s an unfollow button for a reason).

Moral of the story: We can show love to those who disagree with us, even when it’s painful or difficult. The love and kindness we share is the best thing we can do to offer others a chance to understand our experience and why it’s so important to us.