The Harsh Realities: A Story of CARE Teams

Killed in Action.  

Although they are three relatively small words, the weight that comes with them is immeasurable.

On both the service member and spouse side, this is something it seems we only talk about when we must. I completely understand that there are situations in life when no amount of training or talking can prepare you.

Getting that knock on the door is one of them.

This doesn’t negate that more than 6,400 families in the last decade have received that knock.

A knock that they prayed wouldn’t happen. Service members in the dress uniform on the other side, a notification they didn’t want to receive, a hero who died too young. Besides the images from the funeral, this is where most of the public view ends. The emotions, feelings, and events that take place for those family members differ.

Every widow is different.

Every Gold Star Mother is different. 

Every child who lost a parent is different. 

Because of this, those of us who have never been on the other side of that door often don’t know what to do. We don’t know how to help, and we worry about saying the wrong thing, so we remain silent. We often avoid the situation or avoid that family because we think it’s better for us to stay quiet rather than risk saying the wrong thing.

What we don’t realize we are doing is alienating a family or a spouse or a child that needs us. This is where CARE Teams come into place—a team of spouses who step in and help out, whether it’s taking the kids to school, running errands, making a dinner or two, mowing the lawn, or answering the phone. These teams allow the families the time they need to focus on their own family and begin the often long process of mourning their service member.

Like these families of the fallen, most are afraid to volunteer for the CARE Team. Like interacting with the families, they don’t know what to do or how to act. What they don’t realize is that it’s often as simple as making a meal for that family and dropping it off or even having someone else take it by for you. And sometimes, just being present is all the family may need—someone to help them maintain some sense of normalcy.

I’m not saying this is something for everyone. Like joining the military, it’s a duty left to a very small percentage of the willing.

What I want you to know is to ask. Go to the training or ask about the CARE Team. Doing that doesn’t automatically sign you on, but just like with everything else in the military, the more educated you are about it, the better decision you can make on whether or not this is something for you.

I sincerely hope there are no more future knocks on the doors of our military families and that no more service member have to slowly dress themselves in their uniform knowing that the notification they make is going to forever change the world of a family.

But as long as there is war, there will be casualties.

And as long as there are casualties, there will be the need for the military community to embrace those families of the fallen.