The Seasoned Spouse: It’s Just Right

I’m a seasoned spouse. And here’s how I know.

My husband and I were sitting with some close family friends we’ve known for quite a while, talking over a bottle of wine. As we sat around laughing and sharing stories, I made a comment about a young spouse making an honest-to-goodness military misstep. To which my husband replied, “I don’t think you remember what it was like to not be the salty ol’ vet.”

Of course, this light-hearted ribbing got laughs from our group, but afterward, I relayed the story to another spouse of a similar age and years in service. We got to talking about what it meant to be a “salty old vet,” or as I like to put it “the seasoned spouse.”

There wasn’t some “amount of days” milestone I hit, there wasn’t a certain number of pull-my-hair-out moments that clued me in, and I didn’t receive a reward or acknowledgement. It just happened.

At one point in our marriage, I was a new military spouse, and now I’m not. Now I’m seasoned.

I began a quest to figure out what exactly it means to be a seasoned wife.

How does one know they are a seasoned spouse and how do you recognize one when you come across them?

A seasoned spouse reminds me of a heavy-duty cast-iron pan. Cast iron pans are tough. These pans are made with the ability to withstand and maintain high cooking temperatures. Cast iron is durable and reliable, and many families have a cast iron pot or pan that lasts them for decades, as opposed to new cookware.

But, grandmothers everywhere will tell you that the secret to a long-lasting, perfect cast iron pan is a good seasoning on the metal. This only happens when you’ve used it multiple times and cared for the pan properly.

By definition, “seasoned” means “rendered competent through trial and experience.” Well, I surely have that part down.

Every seasoned spouse I know has been through their fair share of bumps and bruises, yet gotten back up to do it again the next day. You think a seasoned spouse has been around forever, doing what they do and doing it well—yep, you guessed it, throughout the seasons. They have lots of experience and can handle just about anything that comes their way.

But, seasoned spouses aren’t measured in the “things that have happened to them” but rather what they learn along the way.

Seasoned spouses wake up each morning tripping over boots or uniforms on the floor without a word to their service members because the spouses are compassionate that the service member has been in the middle of EIB training and is just too exhausted from the weeks of long hours.

Seasoned spouses walk with their heads held high and smiles on their facse when their calendar is piled with responsibilities and obligations. But, this doesn’t mean seasoned spouses are fake or a phony. They just understand the importance of a good attitude and how detrimental a bad attitude can heighten the tension of any situation.

Seasoned spouses give generously of themselves to others, usually because they remember what it’s like to be a new spouse and how challenging that can be. Younger spouses look to the seasoned spouse for advice and as the example on how to behave and act in this strange military world we find ourselves in.

Seasoned spouses believe in the mission and they understand when duty calls their service members away on special days. They are frustrated but careful not to take it out on their service members because it isn’t their fault.

Seasoned spouses don’t hop onto Facebook to blast it all out there—they understand the vital importance of OPSEC. They also know their service members’ jobs are to follow orders, so they don’t take it to social media to let their entire friends list know how disappointed they are.

Seasoned spouses have bad days. Friends, this is key! Seasoned spouses may look like they have it all together and can seamlessly juggle all the things, but they have bad days, too. What separates seasoned spouses from others is their ability to turn inward and look to their support systems, their close tribe of friends to lean on. Their tribe is also seasoned, so they love each other enough to know a bad day is just that—a bad day—and it doesn’t make them ungrateful.

The most important aspect of seasoned spouses, though, relate directly back to the cast iron pan.

Remember how the best cast iron pans work? They are well cared for and not neglected. Seasoned spouses know how to care for themselves. They know how to carve time out to rejuvenate their souls.

It’s true…seasoned spouses know how to season this military life just right.