The Self-Care Conundrum

I am not sure if you share the same loathing I do when I hear the term “self-care”.

It is right up there with the word “resilience”. I know the two terms are necessary and I know they are a part of our modern, military vernacular. Yet, I just can’t get past the irritation that I feel when someone asks me, “Are you taking time for self-care?”

What does self-care look like to a weathered military spouse? (Sorry, not loving the term “seasoned” right now either).

For some, self-care comes in the form of pampering (massage, nails, facials). This is not my form of self-care as I find myself fending off pangs of guilt as “to-do” lists race through my brain almost in sync with the piped in meditative music.

For others, it is a wine weekend with the girls, which I always immensely enjoy because I drink too much, talk too much, and laugh inappropriately. But I find the effects to be short lived; crashing back to reality a little harder with each passing year.

For the truly blessed, self-care is a satisfying gym workout that leaves them feeling refreshed and energized, or a spiritual study that keeps their soul singing.

For those of us who constantly have a freight train of thoughts, scenarios, worries, and catastrophes running through our heads, HOW CAN WE SELF CARE?

My answer to this question came from the unlikeliest place. As you know (because you are still reading this), I like to write. I write with my students, for local papers, and a few websites. So when a friend told me about an online writing workshop for military spouses, I brushed her off. I already write for military spouses, so what would I get out of it?

Turns out, it was my ticket to the elusive self-care train, and it literally took me off the rails.

The program is called Heart to Script, and it is provided by an amazing organization, The Veteran’s Spouse Project. The Heart to Script Program was taught by Amy Upgraft, a retired military spouse and playwright. It was an online class consisting of 7 military spouses from all branches.

From the moment the workshop started, it was fun, nurturing, and committed to not playing the “who has it worse” game. Let’s be honest, there really can’t be a barometer or sliding scale when sharing your innermost feelings and raw emotions.

Sometimes self-care needs to be painful for it to be effective and everyone’s pain is equally important. I had no idea how badly I needed to put my pain into words, just for me. The pieces I created during the workshop allowed the words to lift off my heart and onto paper. I didn’t worry about form, word choice, or making someone angry with my writing. I wrote from a place I needed to visit and purge.

As I read my pieces out loud, the feedback and support I received from the group was really what took it to the “self-care level”. After the workshop I was a little bit stronger, and I believe that participation in the arts can offer this same type of self-care to anyone committed to it. It doesn’t matter the medium. Writing, art, music, performance; it needs to come out somewhere. It is when we keep it locked away that makes things like self-care ineffective.

Heart to Script gave me the key to unlock the pain. It was honest and for the first time, I felt like I was writing for me. Up until that workshop, I had been writing and doing podcasts on mental health, and the effect it had on me and my military family. I had also written many (what I hope to be) encouraging essays on how to deal with military life or care for a family member who was suffering from mental illness. But as I wrote around the issue, I never dealt with how all of this really affected me and the fears that I associated with facing such a crisis in the fishbowl of the military world.

And we all know that self-care becomes even more challenging in a fishbowl.

Self-care cannot exist in isolation. Once the self-care activity is finished and reality is waiting, it should have been more than an escape. True self-care is engaging in things that have lasting results, by giving us the strength to heal and be stronger for the battles ahead.

That is what Healing Through Creativity did for me, and I hope it can do the same for many other veteran and military spouses.

The Veteran’s Spouse Project is a nonprofit arts organization that gives military spouses a voice using expressive arts. They offer art, writing, and yoga/meditative programs that help spouses find true self-care. They are also hosting a “Virtual Ball Fundraiser” on February 24^th. The proceeds from this event will go toward programming for military spouses throughout 2022. You can learn more about the programs and the Virtual Ball on their website.

We must incorporate creativity and expression into our everyday lives. As military spouses, we owe it to our souls to not get bogged down in the routines, research, and our self-proclaimed resilience.