Two Different Shoes
The week before a deployment.
When I look back, I barely remember that week. By that time, we had done all the chores we needed to do to prepare.
We had our paperwork in order.
His stuff was packed.
We had our new phone plan set up…
We had done it all.
Months and months of brainstorming and planning every way possible to prepare ourselves, and we had finished.
So what was left?
This immensely strange feeling of wanting to savor every last second together and make so many memories but not quite feeling in the right headspace to be able to.
The week before my husband left, I remember running errands, but I felt like my mind was elsewhere.
Every time I’d look at the clock and even an hour had passed, I’d get sad. It was a constant battle between smiling and crying.
One day we were running errands, trying to enjoy even the most mundane activities together “one last time.” We had been to a few stores in town when finally we got back in the car and he very seriously said, “Sarah, I have to tell you something. Don’t be mad.” Which immediately made my heart sink. He said, “You have two different shoes on.”
What?
I looked down, and sure enough, I had on two different knee high leather boots—one light brown and one black. The heels were different sizes, too. I couldn’t believe I had just walked around in public like that—for hours.
He went on to say he noticed around the second store we had gone to that day. He explained that he thought if he told me sooner, then I would have gotten upset, and he didn’t want to ruin our day. I wasn’t mad, I just couldn’t believe I had done that.
A few days later, I was walking into work and noticed again, I had two different shoes on. This time, they were two different colored sneakers. I almost wished I hadn’t noticed.
I called my boss and took the rest of that week off. I realized that although we felt “prepared” and I was trying my best to be strong, clearly my mind was elsewhere.
Even though we still had a few days before he left, I hadn’t prepared myself for what that phase of deployment was like. To be honest, I didn’t really realize it was going to be a phase of deployment.
Thankfully, once he left it was a long time until I started doing mindless things again. It wasn’t until a few months before his planned returned home that I noticed myself doing some odd things.
One day, I lost my cell phone—and found it under my car.
I set off our house alarm but didn’t realize that I was the one that had set it off.
I showed up to the gym with none of the right gear.
Normally, I would have shrugged these things off and laughed a little. But when they happen all in the span of two days, I realized I must be stressed. I took some time to relax and put my mind at ease.
All this to say, go easy on yourself.
It might feel like you need to cram every last minute with activities to make memories, but sitting on the couch or cooking a meal together is just as nice. It’s a secretly challenging time and most of us are reluctant to show any weakness right before our spouse leaves.
Be kind to yourself during this time, the journey has already started.
