4 Tips for When Plans Are Hijacked
In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable. — Dwight Eisenhower
I remember the conversation like it was yesterday.
My beloved soldier and I were preparing to take the plunge into wedded bliss. Our entire courtship had essentially been long distance, which included a 12-month deployment to Iraq.
We were in the single digits until our day of nuptials. I had stars in my eyes; my heart pounded when I saw him in uniform. I was crazy about this guy and would do anything for him. It was wonderful.
Until that one conversation.
The hand-holding and sweet-nothing-whispers were briefly interrupted by my man with these words: “I need you to promise me something…”
My heart leapt into my throat. My brain flashed to the turning points of romantic movies where we-need-to-talk moments turned ugly. I gulped down my fear and braced myself for the worst.
“I need you to promise that you won’t get mad at me for things the military does. Most of these things are way out of my control, so please—you can get angry and frustrated, but don’t take it out on me.”
I scoffed quietly in my head. Ha! Of course! What an easy thing to promise! How could I ever get mad at this blue-eyed, blonde-haired stud muffin soldier of mine for things he couldn’t control? Why are we even having this conversation? Let’s just get back to gazing at his baby blues…
I pledged to adhere to his wishes, thinking it was going to be a piece of cake.
I apparently was living in “Pretend Land.”
I quickly discovered that it took serious effort to separate my frustrations with the military schedule from the circle of control my husband possessed. Because very rarely did they overlap.
It was a real struggle for me. I am a planner. A gal who follows through. A spouse who wants to draw up an op-order and accomplish the mission with minimal changes and zero hiccups. I like control.
All of which had to go out the window if I was going to stick by my husband and love him through all of our hijacked plans.
It has been several years since I made that promise. And honestly, I haven’t been able to keep it consistently (although I’m getting much better.) When our plans get hijacked, my first response is to get ticked off at my beloved husband. But that really isn’t fair.
Our plans often are hijacked by circumstances way beyond our control. Like when one of his soldiers decides to make a bad life decision to drink and drive and my husband has to go in on one of his coveted days “off.”
Or when a Stryker breaks down on I-5 for 14 hours and he has to wait until they haul it back to post to come home.
Or when the mission changes. Or flights get canceled. Or wires get crossed.
Sure, it’s not fair when our plans get hijacked, but it also isn’t fair to blame my husband and let these frustrating moments become a blemish in our marriage.
So, here are a few solutions for when our plans get hijacked:
1. Find an outlet.
Instead of letting off steam directly at my husband, I find an outlet. Like the punching bag in the garage. Or a fellow military spouse who “gets it,” let’s me vent, then pulls me back around. And on occasion, my outlet might be found at the bottom of a bag of Dove chocolate. (Helpful hint: If chocolate, is your outlet, I suggest you pair it with running. Because otherwise you are going to be spending a lot of time at outlet stores buying bigger jeans. #SeeWhatIDidThere?)
2. Write plans in pencil.
I actually laughed at myself over this one. Not too long ago, I wrote on our calendar in pen some estimated training dates then the leave that was scheduled afterward. But in less than 24 hours, the plans changed. I scribbled it out with the pen, put a smiley face, and wrote “Never mind.” Moral of the story: always write in pencil.
3. Keep calm and marching on.
When our plans get hijacked, we have to breathe deep, shake it off, and press on. Birthday parties will still happen, flights will be caught, moments experienced—with or without our darling service members. Remember that they struggle with missing big events, too, so find ways to include them, even if it is just freezing a piece of birthday cake until they return.
4. Change our perspective.
In our hardest moments, it is challenging to keep the big picture in mind. But sometimes we have to do just that. Personally, I turn to God and share my frustrations in prayer. (He always does such a great job of calming me down!) Perhaps you can make a list of the good things going on or celebrate the everyday miracle moments regardless of the original schedule.
Folks, it is so easy to promise to separate our “normal” marriage frustrations from our frustrations with military (and always changing plans) when we are at the altar or blinking back tears during the Star-Spangled Banner, but we can use these tips to do the same in our everyday moments when our plans get hijacked and we are searching for a pencil with an eraser.
What tips and tricks have you picked up for coping when our plans our hijacked to not take out frustration on your spouse? Join in the conversation.
