A Military Spouse of a Different Flavor
While standing with my wife in a social military setting the question is inevitably asked: “So how long have you served?” When my response is, “she has served since 2016,” with the emphasis on “she,” you can see the confusion on their face as they try to process what I have just stated.
It doesn’t help that I cut my own hair using the No. 2 attachment, generally keep my face clean shaven, and run marathons often enough that my 48-year-old body is still in decent shape. I look Army.
But I’m not the active duty spouse in our relationship, nor have I ever served in any branch of the armed services.
Our story starts in the days not long after 9/11 in Burlington, Vermont. I was working in my hometown after a stint living in Washington, D.C., and my wife was a new arrival working in cytogenetics in the local hospital by day and as a server in a wine bar at night to meet new people. Lucky for me because it was at this wine bar that I met my future wife, Jules.
Jules loves to tell the story of how I pursued her in the beginning. She recalls one night, after all the other customers had vacated the premises, I remained behind asking (more like begging) for her number. As she was going back and forth to the kitchen clearing glasses, the owner Brent asked Jules if she wanted him to kick me out of the restaurant. I would say lucky for me she declined; however, even if I had been thrown out of the establishment that night, I would have returned the next day.
Like you, I enjoy movies where a group of men or women talk about how long you must wait to contact someone once you have their number. With that said, I waited all of one night to phone my future wife. As I would later explain to her, “looking at that paper with your phone number sitting on my kitchen counter was like looking at fresh baked brownies and trying to resist having one.” Jules also recalls that first phone conversation where I not only asked her out, but asked if she was free to meet at that moment.
While I worked in politics and corporate America, my wife made a career change from the genetics field to law. During law school she interned at Fort Lewis with the Judge Advocate General (JAG) Corps between her first and second years. She fell in love again, but this time with a way of life instead of her husband. The JAG Corps loved her back and offered a commission if she chose to enter the United States Army upon graduation.
My wife and I had very serious conversations about this career and life move. In the end, I was honest with Jules and informed her I did not want to be a military spouse. I faced an unknown that many spouses such as yourself face every day, and traditionally in our society, mostly women. The thought of being a spouse where I would move every two to three years while sustaining a career or more realistically, trying to sustain a career, was a scary future.
Fast forward eight years. After watching my spouse practice law in a way that was never as fulfilling as it was that summer she interned with the JAG Corps, I told her to go for her dream. Our expectations were low. We didn’t believe the United States Army would accept my wife for a number of reasons. There was the jilted lover angle. After saying no to the JAG Corps, an organization that carried a lower acceptance rate than that of Harvard University, would the JAG Corps have any interest in the lover that spurned them? Additionally, she was roughly ten years older and nearing 40.
What changed for me that I no longer feared being a military spouse? First and foremost, I saw a way for my wife to be professionally happy and fulfilled. At some point your working spouse has weathered a period where they were not only unhappy at work, but miserable. When that happens it not only casts a dark shadow over their life, but over your entire household.
To know that I could be part of the solution to finding professional happiness for my wife was a strong incentive for becoming a military spouse. Additionally, moving every two years was a selling point in becoming a military spouse. As humans we fear change, but when it comes to new lands, new cultures, new people, new experiences, I’m all in!
We decided to go for it. Six months later I was home alone from January through June with our 3-, 5-, and 7-year-olds and a full-time job, while my wife was at Fort Benning and then Charlottesville for the Judge Advocate Officer Basic Course. In the four years since she was commissioned, we have been separated twice, including one deployment, and have been stationed in two places I wouldn’t trade for the world—Fort Bragg in North Carolina and the United States Army Garrison Bavaria in Hohenfels, Germany.
During these four years I have had three different employers and only expect that list to grow as the years pass. And that’s OK. If you look at job turnover as something negative, the life of a military spouse is probably not going to be a very happy one. But if you look at that career change as a chance to explore new fields and learn new things about the world and yourself, you will be much happier. My current position is with an educational institution and may present an opportunity for me to gain an additional college degree at no cost. You really can look at each “negative” of being a military spouse and see the positive behind it.
In fact, while writing this piece I took a moment to hang laundry and had an epiphany. All the positives started flooding through my mind as I went about the monotonous job of hanging each article of clothing. In the four years I’ve been a military spouse, I’ve been able to complete two cross-country trips with my three children, visit three new countries, make numerous new friends, increase my fitness to where I’ve run the fastest 5K and half-marathon of my life (still working on fastest marathon), and am currently living in Europe. Rough life.
My mind is blown by the sights my three young children have seen and the things they have done! At seven, my youngest has already camped the Grand Canyon, walked along the Hoover Dam, had breakfast in New Orleans, been to the Statue of Liberty, walked the halls of the U.S. Capitol, visited 37 states and 11 countries, and swam the Atlantic, Pacific, and Gulf of Mexico! We are attempting to visit every U.S. National Park and have already hiked, swam, and tented our way through many across this nation. The best part of visiting and staying at a National Park or Monument is your children get outdoor time 24 hours a day!
Recently I have started adding to the list of countries visited by exploring Ireland, Malta, and Liechtenstein. Traveling makes me happy so our move to Germany has allowed my happiness to grow exponentially. While attending law school, my wife spent a semester abroad in the Netherlands, so we saw much of Europe during that time. Our goal now is to visit the countries we missed.
I maintain a spreadsheet listing all 27 member nations of the European Union that is color coded to group nations together that would make logistical sense when planning future trips. Until the COVID-19 pandemic disrupted life as we know it, Jules and I were well on our way to having all 27 EU countries visited within a year. The health of the world is much more important than leisure travel, but when this pandemic passes, and it shall, I look forward to working on this list again.
After four years as a military spouse it’s hard not to wonder what if—what if I hadn’t been scared 15 years ago and supported my wife to go for it? But as I said, there is always a positive behind a negative. Many military folks do their 20 and then have their second career. Jules and I joke this is her second career. Our 81 cumulative years of life experience before she joined the military allows us to see clearly the many benefits of being a member of the Armed Forces and being a military spouse.
Please don’t misunderstand; our life isn’t perfect. A deployment, selling our dream home in North Carolina because it’s time to PCS, living out of a hotel for six weeks because our new installation doesn’t have enough housing, are all bumps in the road. But, not a month goes by when Jules and I don’t look at our incredible life knowing we are blessed with opportunities and advantages never present prior to her military service.
I’m still trying to come up with a clever name for a male spouse of an active duty Soldier. Send me your ideas, and until then, if I meet you at a gathering, I’ll be the guy who looks Army but is the other important half of a military marriage; the military spouse.
hi dad
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