An Open Letter to the National Guard Spouse

Dearest National Guard spouse, I see you.

Your partner is gone and you may have wonderful friends, but none understand what you’re going through. Your kids have a slew of friends and they don’t have to PCS, but they also don’t have friends that understand why their parent is gone. Your family loves you, but they too do not comprehend the feeling of a spouse being away.

Don’t worry, I see you.

Maybe you have connections that live in different states, but it’s so hard to reach out to those people on lonely nights and to ask just to talk. Maybe all you have is a friendly social media group but you don’t want to sound as if you’re weak, so you don’t say anything. Through all of that, I see you.

I see you as you support your spouse’s civilian job and service within the Guard. The stress of a normal job is magnified by the unknown of the military world.

I see your spouse as so much more than a “weekend warrior.” I see the bags ready during for activations during bad weather. I see the months gone for training and schools, the same ones done by active duty. I see the deployments coming as they stand with their active-duty brothers and sisters.

I also see you through it all. I see you trying to juggle being a full-time employee while caring for your children. I see you working and going to school. I see you being a stay-at-home parent and being with the kids nonstop. I also see you not having the community that others may have when your partner leaves. I see you trying to make it through the day and wanting someone to understand why it’s hard when your spouse is gone. I see you searching for your loved one’s FRG unit only to find years old meeting notes and nothing in place now. I see you scrolling through social media and seeing all the help for active-duty families but wondering how you can have help…

I see you, I feel you, and I am you.

Having a spouse in the National Guard means that they get to have a thriving civilian job, but it also means the military can take them during different times (trainings, activations, or deployments). You don’t live on an installation or might not live near one, so finding other spouses going through the same emotions can be challenging. FRG may be a foreign word because the unit isn’t involved as much as active duty ones.

Where do we fit in within the world of being a milspouse? Few friends who honestly understand, no or little help from any FRG, kids without other kids who get it, and expected to walk in both worlds gracefully: the normal civilian world and the military spouse world.

So how is one to thrive while their partner is gone? I think the best way is to be open about our struggles. Ask for help. Seek out books. Yes, most of the books will be geared toward the active-duty experience, but take pieces from them and use what you can for yourself. Text (or call if you’re braver than I am) a friend and share your experiences. They may not fully understand what you’re going through, but they will listen. Journal your thoughts down so your mind can get some rest. Talk to your kid’s teachers about any changes to the family (like their parent being gone for months). As a teacher, I can tell you that students talk to us about everything, and it’s so good to keep those teachers in the loop. Also, give yourself some grace. No, it’s not perfect. Yes, not everyone will understand. Let yourself let go of everything. If the dishes sit in the sink one night, that’s okay. If you need a night to eat cereal and not cook, that’s fine. Everyone copes differently and being a National Guard spouse brings along special challenges.

For now, my lovely National Guard spouse,

I see you, I feel you, and I am you.

Continue forward, and don’t shy away from asking for help along the way.

For more information on the National Guard, check out 7 Misconceptions of the National Guard.

By Brooklyn Morgan, AWN Special Projects Coordinator