Confronting the Changes in Your Life

By Susan Miller

Growing up in a military family as a daughter, and then marrying a military man, has given me great insight and understanding of the word change. I learned that a PCS is a physical move, and with a PCS comes a change on many levels—a change of duty station, a change of climate, a change of housing, a change of friends, a change in a marriage relationship, a change of schools for children, and the huge life-change that comes with deployment of a spouse. Other major life changes we may face include retirement, downsizing, divorce, death of a loved one, health issues, or a broken relationship.

For many women, change is expected, anticipated, and planned. For others, change is unexpected, challenging, and an emotional struggle. Change is a small word with a big impact. Sometimes we are blindsided by what’s coming, other times we hit it head on. We either react or respond. Here are some common reactions to change.

Many times we react to change by trying to avoid or deny it. I found it easier to procrastinate rather than get my ducks in a row and prepare for a move. Sometimes there is so much to do and so many details to cover, it becomes overwhelming. Make a checklist, and prioritize day by day with a colored marker. You can also do it room by room. Delegate things your children can do. Ask a friend to help.

Then we try to manage or control change. Often we do this out of fear. If we feel like we can manage or control change, then we can survive it. Accept the fact that there will be some changes out of your control. You can’t do a thing about it. Let those things go. Take a deep breath and focus on what you can, not what you can’t, change. For example, you can change your attitude and your perspective.

Next we try to shortcut change. Out of frustration, we think taking a shortcut will help. It’s less painful to shortcut a friendship by not saying goodbye. If you feel the tears coming, don’t always hold them in. It’s easier to leave commitments or responsibilities unfinished and just get on with the move. (If your move comes without much notice, communicate that so others can fill in for you.) Going through the emotions of change and finishing the unfinished teaches you things you could never learn by taking a shortcut. Finish well.

And then we begin to adapt to change. Sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, sometimes painfully, you begin to adapt. The move is behind you. It’s time to let go and trust God, start over with faith, and move forward with hope.

I’ve learned a lot about how to face change through my personal experience with running the gauntlet of 14 moves. Hopefully these basic principles will help prepare you if you are facing a change in the future or going through a change right now. Believe me, I did it all the wrong ways for a long time before I finally started to do it right.

It’s so important to communicate with your spouse, a family member, or friends. You need to talk it out and talk it through, the upside and the downside, the positive and the negative. Communication is key, especially in a marriage.

Anticipate emotions to surface. You may feel fearful and anxious about the unknowns that are ahead. You may feel sad about leaving friends, or angry about your circumstances. Your emotions are not wrong, they are natural. It’s what you do with your emotions that is important. For example, don’t take anger out on your husband or your children. Don’t let fear or anxiety dominate your life.

Grieve the loss. With any life change comes loss, with loss comes grief. You are not weird or crazy to cry over the loss of a place where you live, the friends you have made, or the home you have created. It’s okay to grieve the loss, just don’t get stuck in your grief. It will keep you from starting over and moving forward.

Keep perspective. Remember that change has a beginning and an end. You will get through this. Choose to be positive, and keep perspective on the bigger picture of your move. There is always a reason and a purpose in the military.

And, be grateful for what you have, rather than focusing on what you don’t have. Grateful people don’t have time to be negative. Look for the blessings in your life each day. Moving brings new opportunities, a fresh start, and a renewed hope.

So, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, milspouse. Dust off your dancing shoes; you can do it. Lace up those walking shoes; you can make it. Put those stilettos back on and stand up straight. Face the day head-on, knowing you walk in God’s strength.

Susan Miller is Founder and President of Just Moved Ministry, and the author of the best-selling book, After the Boxes are Unpacked. Based on her book, Susan’s popular study is offered at PWOCs, both in-person and on-line, at no cost through the Just Moved Operation Hope program. She speaks to military women at retreats and conferences all over the world with a message of hope and encouragement. For more information about the study, visit www.justmoved.org. For Susan’s speaking visit www.susanmiller.org.