Doing The Best You Can Do
Most all of us have, at one time or another, heard the saying “Do the best you can do.”
Possibly this was muttered by your senile, passive-aggressive Great Aunt this holiday season while standing around the cheeseball; hopefully, it was said with sincerity from a loved one.
Military spouses often know this phrase better than anyone else. If you don’t, then I hope this post empowers you to see the truth in this phrase.
I, like many other victims, am a recovered people pleaser. At one point in my life, I was so concerned with letting people down or saying “no” that I would break down in tears if I had to break a commitment. It wasn’t until I had two children a mere 19 months apart that I realized I needed a change.
Nothing like kids to make you see the flaws in your life, am I right? And even though I knew that I was “doing the best I could do” at that time, I didn’t believe it in my heart.
Being completely transparent, I suffered from postpartum depression after birthing both of my boys. It was rough, I was hard on myself, and I felt like a failure daily. I started seeing a counselor… almost two years after having my last child.
Have I mentioned that I’m a terrible procrastinator in regards to helping myself? Again, I didn’t realize this until I had kids. Thank you, my children!
Anyway, one of the biggest themes in my life was the hatred of saying “no” and the immense desire to please anyone and everyone.
My counselor challenged me by asking, “How in the world do you think you can do everything when you are only one person? You can’t!”
That jolted me and, honestly, kind of hurt my feelings.
For years I tried to be two people—myself and my husband. Because the ugly truth about military life is that my husband isn’t here all the time, and I cannot rely on him to be here every day.
I can’t assume that he’ll be here to pick up two sick kids from two different schools.
I can’t assume that he’ll be around at the holidays to deflect some of the chaos and to get me out of those awkward conversations with family members.
I can’t assume that he’ll be here to watch my younger one so I can volunteer in my oldest’s kindergarten classroom to help the teacher with the daily chaos.
It just isn’t possible.
I needed a change. I’ve worked hard for years to get where I am today.
How did I get here, you might ask? It took lots of prayers, first and foremost, but also lots of reading, Bible studies, and taking time to dig down deep. It probably also helps that I’m working on a Master’s of Counseling degree (seriously, the most expensive therapy that exists! Ha ha!). One of my favorite books that I used was Boundaries by Henry Cloud. It completely transformed my relationships with my family and friends.
But I also I had to learn to let go: To let go of those relationships that are only one-sided.
And let me clear a myth here: Just because you close on friendship with someone does not mean that you don’t respect them and love them.
I think we, as military spouses, can agree that we need all the help we can get to optimize what little sanity we have left. Because the military sucks us of sanity, patience, and basically life at so many points in our service members’ careers.
In this New Year, set attainable goals. Love yourself and spread love to others. Do the best you can do!
Because you’re amazing, you stand beside your spouse in the roughest of times, and let me tell you, that’s a feat in and of itself.
