How Friends Impact Your Life and Health
I’m an introvert by nature and was a very shy kid. The moves of military life forced me to learn how to connect and make friends. Believe me, I really had to learn how to do that—it didn’t come naturally.
I read books to learn. Books are my go-to answer for everything. I interviewed many military spouses to share what worked for them. When we ask any military spouse who has been through a deployment or other challenge of military life, “What helped you get through that time?” we always hear, “My friends, my battle buddies.” Spouses who have the hardest time with military life are those isolated by circumstances or who choose to isolate themselves. Research shows isolation can lead to depression. Plus it’s a dream-killer.
How many friends do you have?
Here’s an interesting study we share in our book: the “Friendship Study” at Duke University.
OK, it wasn’t called that. It’s called “Social Isolation in America.” Anyway, the study found that one-fourth of all Americans report they have nobody to talk to about important matters. Another quarter has only one such close friend. And for the average American? In the twenty years since a duplicate study was done, the number of confidants of the average American has dropped from three down to two.
When we read that study, we started making lists of the many deep friendships we enjoy, even if our friends are spread around the world. These are friends we regularly have deep discussions with, even if most are by phone, FaceTime, or email to allow for different times zones and life schedules.
Both of our lists have way more than three! (And yes, these lists only include the friends we really could call up in the middle of the night, knowing they would take our call without hesitation.) The large numbers on our lists aren’t that common with many of our civilian acquaintances.
One big reason shows like Friends and Sex in the City became so popular is that, for many people, the characters portrayed on the show became surrogate friends. Many civilian friends tell us they have had no time to get together with their friends since high school or college (or at least since their children were born). One woman said, “To me, tuning into Sex in the City was like getting together with my girlfriends, only I didn’t have to get dressed and go out.”
Are military spouse friendships different?
In talking with thousands of military spouses over the years, one comment arises frequently: Deep friendships occur more frequently with military life. But why?
For one thing, you are often involved with a community during deeply challenging times like deployments, where your experiences and your connections are more intense than normal. You spend more time together than you ever would with your spouse at home.
And when you are new to a place, without extended family and old friends around, you are forced to reach out and make connections just to get things done in life. When you make new friends every three years due to a military move, you end up with more connections than you might have staying in one place.
Here’s why friendships matter
We know friends matter. We can’t imagine our life without talking and laughing with friends, venting and crying with friends, sharing shopping and movies and books and life experiences.
What might surprise you is the way your friends impact your health, too.
Extensive studies by Gallup, reported on in the book Wellbeing, show that “people who have at least three to four very close friendships are healthier, have higher well-being, and are more engaged in their jobs. The absence of any close friendships can lead to boredom, loneliness, and depression.”
Added benefits? Studies show that strong social ties result in:
- Fewer colds
- Less stress
- Lower blood pressure
- Better sleep
- Lower rates of dementia
Keeping friendships strong
Making friends is the first step. Keeping them is crucial, too. Here’s one great exercise:
Make a list of your 10 most important relationships. Identify any that need to be put on hold or buffered—you know, the ones that leave you drained after interactions. Note any that need improvement.
What is one thing you could do that would improve each relationship?
