How to Rekindle the Flame in Your Marriage

Sometimes your marriage is the last thing on the list to get attention. I know. I get it.

There were times when my focus and attention was on the needs of our children, maintaining a home, a full schedule, and trying to keep the wheels of life turning smoothly. Bill’s focus was his military career, finishing college, and then climbing the ladder in the corporate world.   

Needless to say, our marriage began to suffer. 

The flame between us didn’t burn brightly; in fact, it had no glow at all. Somewhere lost on the list of priorities and pushed to the back burner, the flame became dim and merely flickered. The years went by and our relationship settled into complacency and day-to-day routine.

We were like trains passing each other on two separate tracks, yet never connecting; living under the same roof, yet miles apart. 

Through much prayer and faith, learning to refocus on God and each other, a lot of effort and intentionality, and a yearning to rekindle the flame between us, we began to put the disconnected pieces of our marriage back together again.  

Over the years, this Bible verse from Ephesians 3:20 became my marriage verse, for indeed God did more than I could have asked or thought possible: “Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.”

Here are some tried and true practical tips to get you started as you begin to rekindle the flame in your marriage:

Communication is key to connection. A quick start to sharing: Ask about each other’s day. 

Take time together for each other. Prioritize a date night, take walks, or do something fun. Key word: together

Listen to each other. One of our greatest needs is to be heard.

Support each other. Pitch in and help when it’s needed. It takes so little and means so much!

Show appreciation through words or an act of kindness. To be appreciated is to be valued.

Minimize the negative; accentuate the positive. It’s hard to be negative when you’re grateful. 

Remember, marriage is not all about just one of you…it’s about the two of you. Reality check!

Learn each other’s love language. Time, touch, words, gifts, and service. Check out Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages.

The what, how, and when rule. It’s not what you say, but how you say it and when you say it.

Love unconditionally. No strings or conditions attached. 

Affection is love lived out. Don’t just say “I love you”—show it!

Accept your differences. If you were both alike, you wouldn’t need each other.   

Don’t go to bed angry with one another. If you can’t resolve an issue, agree you’ll work together on it tomorrow. 

Be patient with one another. Some matters of the heart might take longer than you want. 

Pray for each other, and with each other. You can’t change a person, only God can.

Why not begin by choosing three of these suggestions to focus on this week? You never know, a tiny spark can rekindle a glowing flame!

By Susan Miller for Just Moved Ministry.

Susan is Founder and President of Just Moved Ministry and author of the popular book on moving, After the Boxes are Unpacked. Contact Susan at susanmiller@justmoved.org, or learn more about her speaking for your retreat or conference at www.susanmiller.org.

For more posts on supporting your military marriage, go here.