If Mama Ain’t Happy
Ah, February.
A whole month of this new year has quickly passed by, and it’s now been two months since my husband returned from Iraq. It seems like just yesterday we were anxiously awaiting his return in that cold airplane hangar. And then there are other days when it feels like he has been home forever and that the long deployment was only a bad dream.
But, it wasn’t, and there are some tell-tale signs that still, two months later, remain to prove it’s existence.
Overall, reintegration has been a very smooth process, especially compared to much of the information we were given at the briefings, which focused on how different our service members can be, how difficult reintegration could be, and all the possible conflicts that can possibly arise. They prepare you for the worst possible scenarios so that when issues do arise, you are armed with the knowledge and resources to deal with them.
Luckily for us, my husband has settled into a routine within our family fairly well, with only a few minor bumps. Discipline for the kids, responsibility for the finances, living among people other than a group of guys who burp, cuss, and call each other nicknames that I really don’t want to know the origin of—those are just some of the parts of reintegrating back into the post-deployment life. So far, he has eased into it almost effortlessly.
But it’s not my husband who is having a hard time adjusting to life after deployment.
It’s me.
The first few weeks he was home were like a honeymoon. After 10 months apart, we wanted to spend every moment of the day together, as a couple and as a family. My husband’s clothes on the floor didn’t bother me as I happily picked them up to put them in the hamper. The dishes left on the counter above the dishwasher versus in it were just another reminder that he was back home safe where he belonged. Emails went unchecked, schedules were abandoned, and laundry was left to pile up—everything could wait while our family made up for lost time together.
Then reality returned.
As soon as the holidays were over and school/work resumed, life began to creep back into our happy honeymoon existence. While I was still elated that my husband was back in my arms once again, and I looked forward to seeing him when we returned from work, the laundry and chores were all waiting for me, too. I began to have a difficult time balancing the things that needed done day-to-day with spending time being with my husband. Whereas during the deployment I spent the hours after the kids went to bed cleaning and catching up on things, I now wanted to spend those hours talking with my husband or simply being with him.
I couldn’t figure out how to get it all done and how to make everyone happy in the process—including myself.
And as much as I complained about all the “alone time” during the deployment, I suddenly found myself needing some of it now.
Finally, after a long conversation with my husband and actually opening up to him about what I was struggling with, things began to fall back into place. I needed tell him what I needed help with (something I have never been good at doing!), and I needed to realize that it’s okay to let the laundry go for a bit. The chores will get done and the lunches will get made. It is okay to take some time to myself, because like the saying goes, “If Mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy!”
Being together as a family again is ultimately more important than a clean house or empty laundry hampers.
It’s funny—these were all realizations that I came to during the deployment, but once my husband was safely back home, I seemed to forget again.
The biggest thing I realized during the last two months is the importance of communication. Being able to openly state what I need and how my husband can help has helped both of us. Some of the stress has been taken off of me, and he understands what I really need, rather than guessing or doing nothing. We have both been able to communicate when we are struggling with something and have been able to help each other with suggestions or clearing up a misunderstanding.
While communication won’t take all the bumps out of reintegration, it certainly will go a long way to making them a bit smaller. Anything that will make this process even a little smoother is well worth the effort to me!
