In Times of Uncertainty, Be a Helper
“Thanks to the Helpers. Let’s take care of ourselves and each other.”
Fifteen days ago this message was like a blinking sign speaking directly to me.
Tom Hanks posted it as a nod to Mr. Rogers’ original message about looking for helpers in the midst of catastrophes. It aligns with Mr. Rogers’ entire ethos of helping children process big feelings in healthy ways. Even more, it is a call to both look for the good in humanity and be a good neighbor.
As military spouses, many of us have a foundation of unique skills that can make us the “best neighbors” during this season of social distancing. We know what it feels like to be physically far from the people we love. We know what it feels like to cope with uncertainty and danger we cannot control. Many of us have experienced the life-changing support from a group of friends that started as strangers. Our lives and plans have been interrupted. We have learned to navigate FRAGOs.
In my personal experience, I have developed little strategies to help me thrive in each new duty station, one of which is finding purpose in pouring into others. I am a helper. I find joy and satisfaction when I am actively working in the community around me. It looks different at each duty station.
I began with intentional volunteering activities: after-school programs, visiting detainees, teaching ESL. For me, the spirit of “volunteering” has expanded to include taking notice of the people around me: the uncertain new military spouse, the international student who needs help at the commissary, the neighbor who seems lonely. Walking beside someone who is struggling and listening to them has become a new way for me to serve others.
These activities, while they do serve the community, also serve a very important place in my own personal mental/social/emotional well-being. There is something that shifts within me when I focus on something beyond myself. Alone and disconnected, I am prone to cynicism, fear, melancholy, listlessness, and a whole list of me-focused problems. When I am reaching out to others, every moment feels like an opportunity to make my community a better place.
So… here I am… a helper who loves to connect, who has found purpose as a military spouse by getting out in my community. What can be done when we are confined to our home for the foreseeable future?
Of course, we can respond when organizations ask for money to help provide food for the most vulnerable. Some of us are supporting family members who are essential workers. Some of us are medical workers and are doing all we can to save lives.
The majority of my milspouse friends, however, are staying at home. I would encourage you to get creative and find small ways to reach out and serve during the week. Here are some ideas:
Use snail mail
Instead of having my daughter, Autumn, paint endless pictures to hang on our refrigerator, we are sending her “original” artwork and a letter from me to friends and family. We have a list of older relatives and family friends who cannot leave their house as well as some detainees at the Immigration Center in El Paso. We are also sending mail to friends who may be more isolated than others. The USPS is still running and it’s a great opportunity to brighten someone’s day while also engaging my energetic 3-year-old in some tactile artwork.
Chalk the block or decorate your house
We currently live on Fort Leavenworth. Our tiny street is home to about a dozen families, some of whom are international students. We are all under orders to stay in our houses except for essential activities (which, thank goodness, allows for walking outside as long as we maintain 6 feet of distance). Autumn is excited about drawing with chalk, and we have been drawing happy messages for our neighbors on the public sidewalk. We have also put happy messages in our windows to try and connect with the people on our street. It’s been really special to see our neighbors smiling when they see our messages.
Talk to the trapped, elderly, and downtrodden
We have started including more phone conversations into our daily routines. Between calling my husband’s grandmother in her living center a few times a week and calling friends who are stuck inside, we are spending more time talking on the phone than we ever have before. Even if we don’t have much to talk about, it feels good to make sure people feel known and heard.
Go for a social distance walk/playdate
The most difficult part for my little one has been her isolation from her best buddy next door. She went from multiple playdates a week to none. My neighbor and I have started distance playdates. We set up a boundary of sticks between our yards and our little ones have been digging in the mud on their opposite sides while my neighbor and I chat. It looks a little funny to be set up ten feet from each other on lawn chairs, but it has been really refreshing to be able to talk and connect.
Deliver groceries to the vulnerable
My amazing friends in El Paso are delivering groceries and medicine to the vulnerable in their community. They have reached out to the elderly, at-risk, pregnant, and spouses of deployed soldiers. If there are people in your life who are overwhelmed or nervous to leave their houses (and you are healthy and able), delivering groceries can be a huge blessing and way to connect. I reached out to ACS and the Chapel on post, and they have me on a list to deliver groceries when requested.
Play virtual games/movie
When my husband was stationed in South Korea and I still lived in Texas, we used to watch the same movie on a video conversation. It was a way for us to feel like we were together even though we were an ocean apart. There are a few friends in our lives that are stuck at home, alone. We have established some weekly internet board game nights or movie nights with those friends and it has been something we may continue long-distance after the shelter-in-place is lifted.
Write a collaborative story
My husband had the idea to start a collaborative story (a group story with each person taking a turn to write a paragraph). We are working on our first story with his mom, sister, brother, and sister-in-law. Some of the family is stuck at home and growing quite bored with the monotonous routine. It has been really fun to see each person’s creative touch on the story and gives us all a notification to look forward to during the day.
Many of these examples may not seem like the “helping” Mr. Rogers talks about in his message. I know there are so many people who are rushing towards this emergency and risking their lives to help. Their bravery and service are beyond words. I am so deeply thankful for all they are doing. They are the helpers that give me hope. But I have also realized that I can be intentional with my time. I can choose to watch a television show by myself or I could choose to watch it with a friend who is alone.
It has been so empowering for me to recognize the little things I can do each day to try and be a good neighbor to the people in my current neighborhood, as well as my “neighbors” far away. Mr. Rogers, himself, believed deeply in the ability to connect and help people who were far away from him. When he reached out and asked “Won’t you be my neighbor?” his neighborhood spanned across the country.
I encourage you to thank the helpers around you during this season. And then, in the ways that make sense for you and your family, join them. Find ways to do little things with great love. It will bring joy to others and to you as we all navigate the next few months together.
Please share ideas for how to be a neighbor and help in little ways. I would love to hear from you.
