10 Ways to Support a Friend Through Illness

It was April of 2010. We were going to a battalion ball, and I had on a gorgeous red dress. I had found it on clearance. It was strapless and totally different from my normal formal attire, but I decided to go for it! We had a fabulous time at the ball.  

We came home that night and got ready for bed. As I was getting dressed for bed, I noticed some pain on the right side of my chest.

Then, I found the lump.  

It has been a crazy couple of years since then.

I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer. I had eight rounds of chemotherapy, a bilateral mastectomy, 33 rounds of radiation, and my ovaries removed.

I was 32 years old, healthy, with no family history of breast cancer.  

It has been a whirlwind of appointments, treatments, surgeries, testing, and love. Our family was surrounded with so much love during our battle with cancer. Whether it was people that brought meals for our family (our kids were 7 and 4 at the time), those that offered to babysit our kids so my husband could go to treatments with me, those who donned T-shirts and participated in breast cancer charity walks with me, or my awesome co-workers who came and cleaned my house for me every two weeks. Our family and friends were so strong and supportive to us, we felt blessed. Yes, even during a cancer battle, we felt blessed.

In 2012, I had what was to be my last surgery in the attempt to control the cancer and keep it from coming back. I have been feeling pretty good for the last year and a half. We celebrated our 5th welcome home in February this year. Things were looking good.

Then, I felt more pain on the same side where I had cancer before.

I found another lump.

So, it was back to the doctor we went. We did the ultrasound and biopsy. I was hopeful that it was nothing.

Then, I got the call on March 17th (exactly three and a half years after my first diagnosis).  he nurse said, “The mass tested positive for cancer cells.”

I cried. I called my husband at work, and he came straight home.

So, here we are again. As I am writing this, I am preparing to go for more surgery in two days. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared, because I am, but more than that, I am hopeful, and once again, our family feels loved and blessed. Our friends and family have once again showered us with love, support, and prayers.

Breast cancer affects 1 in 8 women. More than likely, we all know or have known someone who has battled cancer. I believe in the good of people, and I have learned that most people just want to help and they don’t know how.

So, I came up with a list of things that you can do to help families who are battling cancer or another serious illness. The list might not cover everything, but I hope you find it helpful. I believe that it takes an army to win a war, including the war against cancer.

1. Don’t ask, just do it.

I need help during my treatments, but I’m afraid to ask, and honestly, I don’t know where to start. Yet, people just came to me. They brought my family and me food. They offered prayers. They cleaned my house for me. They babysat my kids. They covered for my husband and me at work during treatments. They sent cards, emails, and messages. They hosted fundraisers in my honor. They made donations to cancer charities in my honor. They wore T-shirts with my name on it. They sat and talked with me. They just did it. I am so thankful for all of it.

2. Don’t try to fix it.

I know people mean well when they offer information on treatments they’ve read or heard about, but it can all be very overwhelming when you’re facing cancer. I don’t care what some celebrity has said—I’m following my doctor’s orders because I trust him. That being said, I’m doing my best to be proactive in my treatments. I read medical journals and get second opinions. If you know a doctor in this field of medicine, then by all means, please share their medical expertise. (If someone doesn’t trust their doctor, help them find another doctor.)

3. Don’t be afraid to laugh. 

I sometimes feel like people are walking on egg shells around me, like they don’t know what to say. Honestly, I want to talk about anything else other than cancer. Tell me about your day, but don’t complain about the petty stuff. Tell me about the weather. Most importantly, make me laugh. I need to laugh at this time so badly.

4. Don’t be scared. 

I had people who told me that they didn’t know how to deal with my diagnosis. Yeah, well that makes two of us. I had no clue what was going on. My body is falling apart before my eyes, and I am so scared. I may not show that I am scared, but believe me, I’m scared to death. So, I just want people to act normal around me. Don’t be scared to ask me questions. Don’t be scared of me. I am still the same girl that I was before, at least that is my goal.

5. Take care of my family. 

As a mom and a cancer patient, my biggest worry is my family. How am I going to take care of them? I am the one who runs the house and now I can’t do that. Offer to take my kids somewhere fun. Take my husband out for some “guy time.” I worry about my family—they have the hardest job of all as the co-survivors. I need help taking care of them. Their happiness means everything to me.

6. Don’t tell me that it’s going to be okay. 

I know people mean well when they say that, but we don’t know that it’s going to be okay. Life will never be the same again.  Things are definitely not okay.

7. Make me get up and out when I am feeling good. 

Some days are better than others when going through cancer treatments. It’s important to enjoy the days when I feel good. Invite me to dinner. Take me to the movies. Bring a fun craft to my house to make.   want to get up, but sometimes I just don’t know what to do. Trust me, if I really get tired and can’t do anymore, I will let you know.

8. Hook me up.  

If you know someone who is battling cancer, or even better, someone who has survived a cancer like mine, then put me in contact with them. In today’s age of social media, you can talk to anyone almost anywhere at any time. I need to talk to people who truly understand what I am feeling and going through. I need that so badly because only they truly know what it’s like. As a cancer survivor, that is one of the greatest gifts. It’s the ability to be able to tell someone, “I know how you feel.” I always say, “If I can do it, you can do it.” I am no stronger or braver than anyone else.

9. Don’t call me brave. 

Once again, I know you mean well, but trust me, I do not feel brave at all during my cancer battle. I am truly in survival mode, just trying to stay alive. I will roll my eyes at you if you call me brave, courageous, or anything close to that while battling cancer. I am just trying to stay alive, nothing more. What helps me sometimes is to have someone to vent to, someone with whom I can say “Cancer sucks!” Most of the time I will put on a strong face, but sometimes a little venting helps. So, let me vent to you every once in a while.

10. Keep things normal. 

Oh, how I crave normalcy during my cancer battle. I just want to get up, kiss my husband, have breakfast with my kids, and go to work each day. I just want to be normal. I loved going to work during my treatments. I have worked with Pre-K students both times that I have been diagnosed with cancer. Kids have such a way about making everything in the world seem normal. I look awful during my treatments. No matter how much I try not to look sick, I just look awful. Yet, when I am with my students or my kids, they don’t care. They don’t talk about stages, blood counts, or medicines. They just treat me normal and I love that. I can go to work and just be me, not a cancer patient.  I just want to be normal again.

All of this advice is what has worked for me. Each person is different, and each cancer battle is different, but don’t be afraid to help. Helen Keller said, “Alone we can do so little. Together we can do so much.”

Cancer is scary, but with faith and a great army of supporters, I feel prepared to beat this once again. I pray that no one has to face something like this alone. It’s bigger than one person; it takes an army.

I am so thankful for all the blessings and people in my life.