It’s Time to Forgive Tom Brady and His Metaphoric Misstep

Dear Tom Brady,

As a Steeler fan, I don’t often root for you. But I am married to a Patriots fan and I know that if you are on TV in the 4^th quarter, I better not leave the living room.

So when the internet exploded with hate for you over one (mis-intentioned) metaphor spoken in an effort to explain something personal, I decided to once again stay in the living room for you.

Because Tom, I have also said crazy things to try and explain this weird, unrelatable military lifestyle we live every day.

And I bet I am not the only one.

I actually cringed when I read some of the impassioned (dare I say self-righteous) letters to you. I cringed because I too, Mr. Brady, have used metaphors to describe deployments that are not really accurate either.

And also like you, I did not do this out of arrogance or malice, but out of the need to explain something greater than myself.

Here are some things I have said in the past about surviving a deployment:

“I am living like a Nun for a year”

Except that is not even close to being true.

Thank Goodness no Nuns have heard me utter that phrase. They would have every right to set me straight. I mean I am not giving up “relations” for a higher purpose; the Army has basically told me to.

Not even close to being the same, yet I have used the metaphor for effect.

And although I am pretty sure Nuns can have wine every now and then, my consumption level during deployment would probably get me thrown into Alcoholics ANUNymous (come on, that was a good one).

Furthermore, juggling all the things during a deployment brought out the “cuss like a sailor” side of me. Defintely NOT  “Convent worthy” behavior.

I will ask the next Nun I see to pray for me.

“I am a single parent for a year”

In all fairness, this is a not a tactful metaphor either. Most single parents do not get the choice or the reprieve after a year.

I am sure in an average deployment period (much like your 7 month Football Deployment period) it may FEEL as if we are single parents, but we are NOT. The feeling will end and we will be back in a normal routine (God Willing).

Perhaps “solo parenting” would be a better descriptor.

I am literally not a sailor, a single parent, or a Nun (much to my Mother’s disappointment)

But the actual the purpose of a metaphor is to describe an idea or make a comparison in a way that isn’t literarily true.

And while we are discussing metaphor use Tom, let’s look at some military metaphors that many civilians say without thinking about their origins.

“Dodged a bullet”

How many of us really know what live fire feels like cracking past our heads?

“In the trenches”

I am pretty sure some WWI veterans may raise an eyebrow at some CPA using that phrase during tax season.

“AWOL”

People say this all the time to describe an absent co-worker, but this is a serious situation in the military, not someone taking a long lunch or lost in the copy room

“Laying low”

I hear people say this when they are staying in their pajamas all weekend to binge Netflix and Uber eats.

I am pretty sure it is not really the same thing as lying face down in the mud to avoid gunfire from above.

“Shell Shocked”

This originates from being too close to a bomb. For some people the bomb is a cheating spouse, a bad grade, or getting beat by the Detroit Lions (insert the team with the worst record this year).

Are any of these really literal comparisons? Of course not.

But once again (for the nosebleed seats up top), that is the purpose of a metaphor.

I understand your intent Tom, just like I am sure you would understand my intent when I am in front of my classroom and no one is getting the concept I am desperately trying to teach.

What do I do in that moment? “I call an audible”

And you might have every right to say,

“How dare you Ms. Palmer, you have no idea what is like to face 250 pound linebackers with cheetah speed coming at you as you make a decision.”

You would be correct Mr. Brady, I do not, and that is the beauty of a metaphor.

You understood the assignment; the ones who want to flunk you did not.

We all need to relax a bit and give each other some room to express ourselves. Metaphors are a great way to do this.

Now, get back in the game Tom, your team needs you!