Love and Marriage

Love and marriage both require effort. One of the best ways to show your love for your spouse is to do the things that they consider to be loving. But how do you know what those things might be?

Ask!

But, before you ask them, write down 10 things you do for your spouse to show that you love them. This is your current comfort zone around giving and receiving love. Then ask your spouse to write down 10 things they do for you to show you that they love you. Their list will define their current comfort zone around giving and receiving love.

Now trade lists.

As you look through their list you will probably wonder why they think doing some of the items on their list are showing you love. One or two of them may even frustrate you. You’ve probably been wondering why they keep doing them.

It’s because you both show your love differently.

Two different lists, two different comfort zones.

My wife likes to do things for me. I still remember the day that she did my laundry for me; we normally do our own. She pulled it out of the dryer when she was done and left it in a ball on the glider in our bedroom. Can you say wrinkles? I could feel the anger rising.

When I took a step back and calmed myself down, I thought about why she might have done that. I was pretty sure that she wasn’t trying to make me mad. When I realized she was trying to tell me she loved me in her way, I got even madder, but it was at myself.

I’ve done this list exercise with lots of couples in marriage programs that I’ve taught, and what I have found over and over is that about 20% of what couples do to show love is the same. Typically, it’s hugs and kisses. Then after hugs and kisses, those other eight things are different—sometimes vastly different.

What kinds of things am I talking about? Let me just run down my wife’s list with my comments after each item.

1. Hold my hand in public.

Me: OK, I can do that.

2. Give me a variety of kisses.

Me: Hugs and kisses, like I said. Oh, definitely, I can do that.

3. Listen to me.

Me: OK, that will take a little bit of work, but I can do that.

4. Call me to say hi.

Me: Yes, that’s pretty easy.

5. Surprise me.

Me: That is going to take a little bit of effort, but I can surprise you.

6. Brush my hair.

Me: That’s kind of intimate. I hadn’t really thought about that, but OK, brush your hair.

7. Hug me.

Me: See, there’s hugs. Everybody wants hugs.

8. Compliment me.

Me: That’s easy for me because I’m an affirmations and appreciation person, and I love to compliment you.

9. Hold me when I’m sad and crying.

Me: That’s an easy thing to do once you’re doing it, but it can be difficult to figure out when it’s appropriate. Don’t know? Ask.

10. Tell me that you love me.

Me: Oh, I’m telling you that I love you all the time. Don’t you know that? I’m constantly telling you how much I appreciate you and affirm you.

Now, here’s my list.

1. Hug me.

Where have I heard that before?

2. Kiss me.

Yes, hugs and kisses.

3. Give me cards.

I like to get cards. I don’t know about other guys, but I like to get cards.

4. Make dinner for me.

Now, I’m a pretty good cook, and I like to make dinner; my bride and I share that. But, when she makes dinner for me, it feels special and I feel loved.

5. Give me a wink and a smile.

I’ll tell you, that little wink and a smile when other people aren’t really paying attention is just an extra point of connection and lets me know that you love me.

6. Cuddle with me.

I like it. I’m a big teddy bear. I like that. I like being cuddled with.

7. Tell me that I’m wanted.

That’s important to me. I need to know that I’m the object of your desire, both emotionally and physically. I need to know that I’m wanted.

8. Wash my hair.

I love the feeling of fingers going through my hair as it’s being washed. It feels wonderful.

9. Play with my hair.

I like it. I like it. It makes me feel loved.

10. Call me and make me laugh.

I love humor, and when we can include humor in our marriage and our relationship, it just makes it that much better for me.

We really are different, and we need to expand our comfort zones around giving and receiving love. Once you have read and discussed your lists, put them up on the refrigerator. Then, every day for the next 30 days, do something off your spouse’s list.

Don’t do the same thing every day. You have to do something different every day, because doing the same thing every day is redundant, boring, and might irritate your spouse.

But, if you do something different every day, you show your spouse that you are aware of what they need, what they want, and are proactive about doing it for them. After 30 days, the goal is to expand your comfort zone, so it’s easier to show your spouse that you love them in a way they want and to recognize when they are trying to show you that they love you.

You will feel more loved, be more loving, and well on your way to a great marriage!