Managing Expectations

Have you ever asked your significant other for help? Did it help? Or did you both just end up frustrated? You have to think about managing expectations even when asking for help.

For most people in that situation, you both end up frustrated because your significant other thinks, “well, I helped” and you think “you didn’t do enough.” If by chance you are like most people, then the issue may have been communication. One person’s definition of help is not the same as someone else’s. The solution is to explain it…

You have to clearly tell them what you want. For example, my husband, Chris and I love hiking, and we’re lucky enough to live in a great area for it. At Fort Drum we’re about two hours from the Adirondack region. If you like hiking and haven’t been, I highly recommend you go. 

Hiking by ourselves was easy, but now we have a toddler. And toddlers create chaos wherever they are, and they come with a surprising amount of stuff. For our kid, we have to bring diapers, wipes, snacks, a change of clothes, and his backpack carrier. 

Soon after we got to Fort Drum, Chris deployed. So I got used to having to get Owen ready all by myself. But soon after he got back, I found myself annoyed that he wasn’t helping to get Owen’s stuff together for the hike.

I explained to Chris that I needed help with Owen. So he would make sure Owen was dressed and had a clean diaper before the hikes. Cue me getting frustrated that he wasn’t doing what I wanted and him getting frustrated that I wasn’t happy about his help.

While venting about this, someone pointed out that since I’m the primary caregiver, it’s easy for me to know what Owen needs. But Chris may not know that. And that’s when we started to talk about what Owen actually needed before a hike. And now we have actually written down what things need to be packed for Owen before we go on hikes.

We also have a list for when we take trips, too. I cannot tell you how helpful this has been. Now, we not only both pack, but we double check each other. This way when we forget something, we’re able to laugh it off instead of blaming someone. 

So, if you want help with something from your significant other, try making a list of what those things actually are. 

As much as we want to think that our spouses are mind readers, they aren’t. I used to think, if my husband loved me, then he would know how to cheer me up! But we’re complex creatures—what cheered you up once won’t always cheer you up the next time.

So try this with your significant other: try telling them, “hey babe, I’m sad right now, and I would love to watch a sad movie and just not talk.” Or, “hey I’m really stressed right now. Can you take the kid so I can take a bath?” 

You cannot expect your significant other to know exactly what you’re thinking. But you can tell them what you’re thinking and tell them what you need.

Now, let’s talk holidays. How many of you have been disappointed on Christmas or Valentine’s Day? Nobody tells you when you get married that you’re now forever tied to this other family that you may or may not know all that well. And along with this family comes all of their traditions. 

My husband is British, and I’ve learned a bit about the British culture. Like, I know tea is very very important and that you put milk in tea. And that biscuits normally accompany tea (and no, not the American biscuits—think more like cookies, but not really). But something I hadn’t fully understood were Christmas stockings. 

As an American, I think stockings are the things you hang on the mantel that look like socks. But to my husband’s British family, stockings are a bag of presents that Father Christmas leaves outside your bedroom door. I cannot tell you the mass confusion that this lead to this Christmas.

We’ve since sat down and figured out that we both need to be clearer about what we want and what we mean. So we’re going to set aside time to write down things that each of us want to do for the Christmas holiday. That way we can both pick traditions from our own families and add in some new ones. Plus, by writing it down, it’ll be clear what we each expect for the holidays, no matter where we are.

Now, you can’t simply write down “cookies” for something you want to do for Christmas. That leaves too much open to interpretation. Think more about answering the 5 Ws and H: who, what, where, when, why, and how. Okay, you don’t have to go over the why, but the others will greatly help set both of your expectations for how the holidays will go.

The best way to manage other people’s expectations is to communicate. So be open and honest. Don’t make demands, but also be clear about what you need as well.

I hope that this helps your next hiking trip, holiday, or even just a conversation.