Memorial Day: Is it Happy or Not?

Over the years, the meaning of Memorial Day has changed for me. Typically, in my early 20’s, Memorial Day was a day that commemorated the beginning of summer. I would spend the whole weekend at the beach with friends enjoying the sunshine. To me, during that season of life, it was “Happy Memorial Day.” I knew nothing different. I was uneducated on the true meaning of Memorial Day.

On “holidays” like Veterans Day, Armed Forces Day, and Memorial Day, I always see a meme on Facebook or Instagram explaining the difference between the three. This meme can be perceived in different ways.

By a member of the military community this meme brings about, what the heck? As in what the heck; how do you not know the difference between the three?

For a civilian with no military association, this meme is a lightbulb moment. Ding! That is the difference between those three holidays!

For a civilian with ties to the military community they might feel ambivalent about it. Somewhere in-between what the heck and Ding!

In the United States, Memorial Day is defined as a federal holiday for honoring and mourning the military personnel that died while serving in the United States Armed Forces.

I met my husband in the fall of 2014. In May of 2015, my perception of Memorial Day forever changed. Now, on Memorial Day I find myself in some form of athletic wear running in honor of those who no longer can. Performing an ungodly number of pushups or pull-ups again for those who no longer can. And once that is complete, I say their name out loud and have a drink.

I remember my first Memorial Day with my husband. I could visually see that this day was hard for him. Truthfully, in the beginning after he left active duty, there were a lot of hard days. Maybe that day seemed harder with the combination of hearing the National Anthem and actively talking about the friends that he had lost. There have been several close ones during his 23 years of service. I began hearing the stories of who they were and the wonders of what their life would be like now if they were still with us. That is hard to hear.

As a spouse you feel unimaginably thankful that your spouse is here. But, your heart hurts for those who have lost loved ones.

My husband recently returned home from a combat deployment. A week before he left for this deployment, he received news that a friend and fellow Green Beret was no longer with us. I looked at my husband and saw sadness. It is truly hard to describe what they feel. I think he reviews his memory catalog: Training they did together, drinks they shared together at Old Chicagos, envisioning what his family is feeling, has it been too long since he last spoke to that friend’s wife, she is going to be flooded with messages, should I still reach out, or in the quiet of his own home, should he sit and remember?

My heart sank.

Inevitably, my husband left for his deployment. You truly take it one day at a time.

This deployment was emotionally draining. The Special Forces Community endured multiple killed in actions during the middle of 2019 into the beginning of 2020. Due to the circumstances of this past deployment our Memorial Day, again, will look and feel different.

It truly is a somber day in our house. A day of remembering the ones who have paid the ultimate sacrifice so that young Justine could go to the beach and drink a few beers. A day where people can honor the ones they have lost with a run or workout.

While somber, it is also a day to be happy. My husband often says that if Justin or Rob (both late friends and Green Berets) were still alive, they would not want us to sit around and be sad. They would want us to be living our lives. To live a life worthy of living. So, we try to do just that. We continue on their legacy by serving others. We honor them in our actions. I have learned that it is OK to cry randomly throughout Memorial Day as well as belly laugh when I hear old team stories.

This year may look different, but we will still honor the ones who have been taken from us all too early.

I encourage you on Memorial Day to not what the heck at someone who does not know the difference, but explain to them the differences. Kindly remind them we are still at war and that they can enjoy their fun barbecue without feeling guilt.

Sgt. 1st Class Justin S. Monschke, Staff Sgt. Robb L. Rolfing, and Major Andrew David Byers are a few of the names we say out loud to keep their legacy alive.