Standing On My Leash

Recently, my husband, Doug, and I walked to the nearby Starbucks with our dog, Billy. Seated on the patio, we tethered Billy to the leg of a chair and sat back to enjoy coffee, scones, sunshine, and people watching. Billy caught sight of another dog tethered only a few feet away. His leash was long enough for him to approach this new canine friend, but there was one problem—he was standing on his leash. Billy’s plight was out of Doug’s field of vision, so, with a chuckle, I said, “Billy wants to meet that dog, but he’s standing on his leash!”

My words hit me between the eyes.

How many times in my life have I stood on my own leash by not pursuing what I wanted? 

The pattern showed up in big and small ways.

In high school (and continuing into my 40s!) I wanted to sing solos in school and church, but fear kept me silent.

In college, I majored in French and planned to go on to get a Master’s degree in international business, but Doug and I moved to a new city and pursuing this dream seemed out of my reach.

When I searched for a new job I didn’t have enough confidence in myself to pursue job openings that were creative, interesting, and challenging.

Looking back, I can see now that, in many ways, I was sleepwalking through life: I avoided opportunities that demanded too much from me, I went along with what others wanted, I avoided risk, and I found my worth in what others thought of me.

Wake up to Life

Though I still struggle at times with lack of confidence or fear of failure, over the years, God, therapy, good books, and opportunities have helped to make it possible for me to choose to drop my passivity—to wake up to life. God opened my eyes to my true self and the unique gifts I bring to my family, friendships, work place, and community.

I sat down with Ron Paterik, a practicing psychotherapist, Licensed Independent Substance Abuse Counselor, and Whole Life Leadership Mentor to learn more about what’s going on in my head when I “step on my own leash.”

This is what I learned:

Common reasons for standing on our own leash 

This can be boiled down to four main factors. Mental illness is a fifth factor to be considered, so if you suspect it’s a possibility, seek professional medical help.

1. Fear: You say “no” to opportunities because you’re afraid of failing and looking foolish in front of others.
2. Discomfort: You value comfort so much that taking on a challenge sounds too hard and would be too disruptive.
3. Impatience: You want quick results, so real or imagined setbacks lead to discouragement and giving up.
4. Negative mindset: You tell yourself discouraging messages like, “I’ll probably fail,” “I’m not strong enough,” or “There’s something wrong with me.”

Embrace a few practical steps

These can help ensure you’ll live out your values and be more likely to realize your goals:

 1. Set goals that are consistent with who you are.

• Set aside time to discover who you are and what you want. Do your goals truly reflect your values and the yearning of your heart, or have you taken on the values and goals of others?
• Ask God to reveal the truth of who He made you to be. Spend time in silence listening for His direction and exploring the gifts of who you are.
• Examine your core values, beliefs, interests, talents, and aptitudes. Be honest with yourself about what you’re good at and what you aren’t good at. Is there an activity or cause that lights you up? Pay attention to a sense of discomfort that may indicate you’re pursuing a goal or activity that doesn’t fit you. Goals that don’t align with who you are will keep you on your own leash.
• Get feedback from someone you trust and who knows you well.
• Don’t rush this process. This will take time and requires honesty. As you learn about and accept yourself, you’ll experience a deeper sense of God’s love and come to love yourself more. Be sure to bring the true self you discover into your relationships.

2. Set realistic goals and a realistic timeline.

To reach a goal or be good at a new skill takes time and effort. You may be unhappy with your initial efforts and be tempted to give up. Set up a system that ensures that you’ll stick with it: hire a teacher or mentor or enroll in a class. Schedule time to pursue the goal or work on a skill as if it was an appointment. Be patient with yourself.

3. Break down your goals into small, reasonable, highly achievable steps.

This important process allows you to focus on a plan and brings with it a feeling of hope and confidence. Small steps allay fear. Failure to do this invites discouragement and abandonment of the goal. Include steps that can have an impact on your thinking, like mindfulness exercises.

4. Enlist the support and accountability of others.

Don’t go it alone. My dog Billy needed help to see he was on his leash. Of course, you’re much more aware than a dog, but when you keep your goals and desires to yourself, you’re more likely to abandon them somewhere along the way. Take a look at why you resist getting help. Are you afraid that the person you’ve asked to encourage you will question your goal or think less of you if you falter? Don’t allow someone else’s views to deter you from what you really want to do.

By Ann Kelley, Director of Communications at Just Moved Ministry