That Deployment Feeling
I can’t remember much of anything.
Seriously, it isn’t one of my finer traits.
But, I can remember exactly what I wore, exactly where I was, exactly who I was with, and exactly how I felt every single time my service member has deployed.
It begins in the morning. You groggily get out of bed, wishing the morning hadn’t come so early as time rapidly depletes. You try to act like it’s just another day, but you know it isn’t. Fear and worry overwhelm you as you cry through an entire hot shower. You get dressed and continue daily activities as he goes through his final bag checklist. You watch him as you struggle to control your mind from going “there.”
What will life be like without him?
What if…
What am I going to do with all of this time by myself?
What if…
What am I going to do with the children?
What if…
You try with all your might to keep it together, but you’re slowly dying inside. You can’t decide if it’s hurt, anger, or illness.
I remember that feeling. It doesn’t matter which time it was that he deployed, that feeling was still the same. I’m there again. Mostly anxious that this day will soon arrive and a bit angry that I cannot control my own mind.
Why is this important? Because I want to share with you that:
It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve done it. (This will be our fourth separation and third deployment.)
It doesn’t matter where you are in you life. (We’ve been a military family for 14 years.)
It doesn’t matter what you do for a living. (I co-founded Army Wife Network.)
And It doesn’t matter how much you love this life. (I co-authored 1001 Things to Love about Military Life.)
Unfortunately, nothing short of him not leaving can make that feeling go away.
I have decided that, instead of fighting that feeling, I will embrace it. It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel blessed to have the opportunity to love someone so much that I literally feel sick inside at the thought of being without them.
Now, if I can just remember.
Been through that too recently myself– HUGS. That last morning, those last moments…yuck. I was trying to hard to be stoic that I nearly threw up after he was finally (?) actually headed to the plane. We are so blessed to love these men so much that we go through this, over and over. And they, in turn, are blessed by us.
Moms and wives, we share those same feelings in different ways. Love and prayers to you, and stay strong. We too are facing a third deployment, and as mom, I am struggling too. Thanks for the honest truth, that to embrace it makes it a richer experience despite the pain, and one that we can grow from as we wait here loving our soldiers.