The Secret Hard Bit of Deployment
Everyone talks about how hard deployments are—that’s no secret. Of course, in the beginning, it’s about finding a routine. That’s the difficult part for the one at home. But what no one tells you is how hard the last couple of weeks of deployment are.
Also, how come I never remember anyone talking about how hard reintegration is? This is the third deployment Chris has been on since we’ve met. Someone must’ve told me, but I only remember one person saying anything about it.
As I type, I’ve been without contact with my husband for the longest time during this deployment. And it’s driving me crazy. I know that I’m lucky—all I can think about these past tortuous hours is how families did it during the Great Wars. How did anyone handle just not knowing?
I know what is happening, I just don’t know how long it takes. So I doubt I’ll get much sleep tonight. I’ll continue to check Facebook messenger to see if he’s active. And I’ve thought about Googling how long it should take, but I know that any answer I find would be a farce.
Owen’s been fussy all day, and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out why. I’ve been stressing all day with the lack of communication. And if you don’t believe that babies feed off of your emotions, try it one day.
This whole day has been a race to bedtime. My main thought was that if I can just make it until Owen is asleep, I can have my breakdown. So now with Owen sound asleep, I’m partaking in an adult beverage while watching a sad movie and letting my emotions go.
There are things I should do, but for now, I will just revel in my tears
*Update: Since the draft of this blog post, Chris not only made it back to U.S. soil safe and sound, but he also survived quarantine. Owen and I survived his quarantining away from us as well. More on this coming soon.
**The top photo: I fed Owen an apple for dinner the night I hadn’t heard from Chris. Cue all the mom guilt…
