The Unwelcome Visitors

I have these annoying visitors that pop in occasionally. They’ve randomly shown up for the last 2.5 years and seem to do so at the most inopportune time. Before you think I am a terrible friend, I’m not talking about actual people.

I’m talking about anxiety and panic attacks.

Have you ever been tortured by those two? I had never dealt with them before in my life. I did have some interaction with them equally as the annoying cousin known as postpartum depression after having both my boys, but never anxiety or panic attacks.

Until one morning in November 2018.

November 30, 2018, started off as a typical morning in Eagle River, Alaska. The usual amount of commuter traffic flowed down the icy Glenn Highway heading to their jobs in Anchorage. That background noise was always a comfort to hear in the early dark mornings.

During that time of year, the sun rises around 9:45 a.m. My kids and I shared so many moonlit breakfasts during our time in Alaska. And we were doing exactly that, that morning in November. My husband just happened to be “dying” from a stomach virus and was in bed on the lower level of our house. Seriously, what is it with men and their sicknesses? But, I, too, was starting to feel like I was getting his plague. And our oldest had exploded all over the stairs the night before with, likely, the same virus. It had been a super great 24 hours… Can you hear my sarcasm?

Just after I dished out the frozen waffles to my kids, that I actually toasted this time, I was heading to sit down for a minute to chug my coffee. Because moms need coffee, especially when there is a sick husband and kid in the house. I also like to think that God knew I would need energy….

Then I felt it—a slight tremor. I first thought, oh, a small earthquake. Because up until that point, all the ones I had felt were below a 4 on the Richter scale. Or far enough away that, although I felt it, it didn’t do any damage. Like a 7.9 out of Kodiak that swayed our house like a boat while my husband was deployed…

How did I survive that state?! I always joke that if I wasn’t fearing the earthquakes then it was that my kids would be eaten by a bear or trampled by a moose. Real Alaska fears, y’all!

Anyway, these cute little tremors always left me feeling so awesome for going through another one. I quickly realized this one wasn’t one of those cute shakes. Suddenly an explosion happened that sounded like an airplane had crashed in our backyard. My husband even admitted after the fact that he, too, thought something had crashed in our backyard. And that’s coming from a four-time combat fella!

And then the shaking became more violent.

I ran for my youngest while yelling to my oldest to “Come here, now!”

I finally got both of them in my arms and slammed myself on top of them in between our two wing-backed chairs on the living room floor. I heard my husband screaming my name, running up the stairs as our whole house shook violently around us. He slammed himself on top of me.

The news station said it was around one minute of 7.1-size shaking, but it felt like a million years.

The shaking finally stopped.

And then there was silence.

Deafening silence.

The background noise of the commuters was gone. The electricity had knocked off during the quake. All I could hear were the alarms wailing from the churches that were behind our house.

I looked around and robustly praised God that none of us were injured. Even the dog was fine!

I looked around and saw our Christmas tree knocked over, everything on the walls and mantle had crashed to the floor. My casserole dishes had fallen out of the closed fridge, and my oven was now 1.5 feet away from the wall that it normally stands against. But we were physically fine, even though our house was a mess. And, we were all in a state of shock.

My husband said, “there will be “aftershocks!” And as soon as he said that the first of 80 aftershocks to happen that day rumbled through.

By the time we moved from Alaska in June 2019, we had endured hundreds upon hundreds of aftershocks of various intensity. That day after the “big one” is when they first arrived: my unwanted visitors named anxiety and panic attacks.

So, I’m going to be completely transparent about my mental health during that time, because I’ve been an advocate for mental health for the last 3.5 years. Not only did I work in a facility for mental health, but I’ve been working on a Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling for the last 2.5 years. Additionally, I suffered a long time in silence with postpartum depression after my first baby. And then again (but not in silence!) after my second baby. So, I really think advocacy is important, so here I go.

My mental health during the weeks and months following the earthquake was awful. I went to the ER two times while suffering a panic attack. I tried so hard to not go because I was embarrassed. But after crying, trembling, and listening to my teeth chatter for nearly six hours, I knew I had to go. I got prescriptions for medicines I never ever considered taking. I went from zero medications to three in a span of 24 hours.

I knew I needed long-term help.

I got in with a counselor which helped tremendously. I learned ways that anxiety can manifest in a body. And even though I knew a lot of the symptoms, I certainly didn’t know them all. And some of them—like chronic back pain, chronic nausea, and extreme fatigue—were some of the most surprising.

For me, I felt like I was in a constant state of survival. Everything had turned into a survival game. I wouldn’t let my kids out of my sight. Each room we played in had a safe spot that we determined shortly after the “big one.” I couldn’t leave my boys to go on date nights with my husband. And it ultimately led me to quit a job that I enjoyed immensely.

I was just trying to survive and I felt like I was drowning in my own mental health issues.

I look back now and I am so incredibly thankful for my team of doctors, counselors, family, and friends who helped me through that rough time. I’m so extremely thankful for my husband who not only took time off work during the weeks after the earthquake to help me with my mental health, but also all of his help during my panic attacks up until the present day. I give huge thanks to his leadership who didn’t bat an eye when he told them that I was not doing well and that he needed to be with me, and they gave him time off.

But my husband—man, that guy knows nothing about medicines other than where I keep a Ziploc bag of emergency medicines for my panic attacks. I mean, no joke, the guy has taken Benadryl when he was wanting Tylenol. But I’ve never seen such a committed and fast-moving guy like he is when I’m in the midst of an attack. He comes swooping in like the hero he truly is with my baggy of medicines and a large glass of water asking, “do you need the pink one, blue one, or which one?”

He’s my favorite!

So, here’s my whole main point of this looongg story: We’ve been in a crazy time lately with all the chaos going on in the world. It’s been scary and uncertain. Events like these can bring on new issues like anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. It can exacerbate current mild issues too. My own anxiety has been high. And after seven months of being panic attack-free, I’ve had four in the last month and a half.

So, please, please, please seek help if you are suffering from any mental health issues. Call and make an appointment with your doctor if you’re struggling. Talk to a trusted friend about it, because chances are they’re struggling in some way too. Find a counselor— the psychologytoday.com website has a directory for professionals in your area. Not only do they share information about their practices but also share which insurances they accept.

Don’t have mental health care covered under your insurance? Many psychologists and counselors have a sliding scale based on income, so don’t be afraid to ask! I’ve used that website directory two times and have loved both my counselors.

Don’t. Struggle. Alone!

Don’t let the fear of the stigma surrounding mental health hinder your chances at living a joy-filled life, because you need joy!

Please know that you are not alone!

Please know that you will heal, you will find joy again, and you’ll settle into a new normal.