Vital Advice for New Military Spouses

When you’re new to a situation, you always want to hear advice from others who have walked in the same shoes. We’ve got you!

This post covers advice that others want to share with you so you don’t make the same mistakes. This advice is in purple text. Take it to heart, and enjoy your new role in the military!

Use any and all resources and support groups:

For success in military life, use the support resources around you. You’ll find groups, programs, and services both on and off the installation. When early in a marriage, it’s vital that you make use of all you can.

From the pros: Immediately find out who your family coordinator is on the installation, and don’t be afraid to ask questions. Know that they’re there to help you.

There are some specific programs that can help, and you can find them on your installation!

From the pros: Link up with Army Family Team Building—or your branch’s equivalent—to take classes. I will most likely cover topics like the use of military acronyms, rank structure, and military etiquette. These classes are a must for new spouses. Here are some other services they have available:

• Child care
• Volunteering opportunities
• Extracurricular activities
• Discounted trips through the recreational facility

From the pros:Take advantage of the free marriage retreats and seminars through the military or chaplains’ office, even if everything is going great. Understand that if you were the only one having trouble adjusting, these programs wouldn’t exist!

Find Your Soldier and Family Readiness Group

From the pros: Become actively involved with your unit SFRG so you’ll always have other spouses to call when things get tough.

• It’s therapeutic to be able to share your troubles and knowledge with each other, and it’s wonderful to have others who know what you’re going through.
• You can count on your group for social networking and understanding to help you stay sane!
• Don’t ever be afraid to ask questions of other spouses and military members in your unit.

Seek Out a Battle Buddy (or two):

A Battle Buddy is a friend who understands what you are going through and always has your back.  Whether you choose another brand new spouse or a more seasoned one, having someone to talk to who really understands can make the transition to military life easier. Your Battle Buddy might take different forms.

From the pros: Use family, friends, and other military spouses.

• By allowing those who want to provide support to do so, (whether it is listening or babysitting), you will feel better, and they will know they’ve made a difference.
• Don’t get caught in the I-can-do-it-all trap. If help is offered, accept it; otherwise, it might not be offered again.
• No one else will quite understand how you are feeling the day your service member gets orders, the day (s)he leaves, or even your anticipation as you await his or her return.
• Your Buddy can also serve as your “guest” at any events your service member can’t attend, as well as be a shoulder to cry on after a long day.
• Agree to make your friendship guilt-free zones: a good friend will never intentionally cancel plans last minute or not follow through as promised, but sometimes, life happens. Allow good friends the “out” when they need it.

From the pros:

• You be proactive when meeting new friends. You may be lucky enough to have neighbors that greet you with a bundt cake or an offer to babysit the minute you move in. If so, great! If not, realize that friends usually don’t just come knocking.
• Not all Battle Buddies are created equal. Sometimes the cure for loneliness might be a furry, four-legged friend. Pets can serve as a much-needed distraction and keep the house from feeling so empty when your service member is away.

Keep Communicating

Everything begins with good communication. Continuing to keep the lines open helps reduce conflicts, stress, and misunderstandings, and increases and strengthens the bonds you have with your new spouse.

From the pros:

• No excuses! There are so many ways to communicate with each other now that there should be no reason why you can’t stay in touch. It doesn’t have to be something big…just show that you care. I packed a note in my service member’s shaving bag reminding him that I love him. He hung that note on his mirror for the entire month he was away.
• Communicate with respect. “Always speak to your spouse as if they were a co-worker.” Meaning, treat your spouse with the same respect you treat those you deal with in a public manner.
• A marriage is not about “me” or “him”, it is about “us” and what we can give to each other.
• Ask for what you need from your spouse. He may not realize that you need an email or card from him at this moment.

Be Prepared for Deployments and Reunions

Being new to the military probably means that you’re new to deployments and being separated for extended periods of time. Good advice can be particularly appreciated in this area.

Have realistic expectations

Deployment changes both of you in good and challenging ways. Don’t assume that when your spouse returns everything will be the same, because it won’t. It will take time for you to adjust back to “normal” life.

From the pros: Realize that we (the family) are also experiencing the deployment. We need to ensure that our service members’ mind is on their mission so they come back home to us. When communicating during deployment:

• Stay positive in your conversations, letters, and emails
• Make sure your service member knows how much you love them and how proud you are of them

From the pros:

• I learned to carry my cell phone with me everywhere, even to bed. Sometimes that call at 3 a.m., when his shift was starting, was good for me because the house was quiet.
• I tried like heck to continue to “date” my husband through the mail while he was on a 23-month deployment. I made it a part of my week to send cards and boxes of love from home.
• If your spouse has to be gone a lot, look forward to the reunions. Make then special, and it can help keep your marriage “fresh” for a long time.
• Make sure that when your service member comes home, there is some specific time spent on your marriage. Time has passed, and many things have changed. You’ll become more independent, have more friends, and be involved in more activities. You don’t need to stop those things upon return, but be sure your spouse always knows how important they are in your life.

Advice From Service Members:

Sometimes your deployed service member wants to tell you some things to make your life easier. Here are a few pieces of shared advice:

From the pros:

• During deployments, do not read the paper or listen to the news because it will probably upset you. If you need to know something, I will tell you.
• When we get the chance to talk to each other on the phone while I’m away, please don’t tell me about everything that’s going wrong at home. I want to fix things for you, and I will be too far away.
• Get to know your SFRG!

Conclusion

Embrace your new military life and know that you’re a member of an exclusive organization, one that’s full of pride. This comment sums it up:

“After 19 years, I can’t imagine not being a military wife!”

This final piece of advice should make you smile.

Final pro tip: Don’t park in a parking space on the installation that has writing on it. It’s reserved for somebody…and it isn’t you!