What is Assertive Communication and Why Do We Struggle with It?

If you struggle to communicate with family, friends, or coworkers, you aren’t alone. Communication in any type of relationship can at times feel tricky, leading to unnecessary conflict, stress, and drama. Luckily, the powerful tool of Assertive Communication can help navigate relationships with honesty and clarity while strengthening your confidence and self-esteem.

Why is strengthening our communication skills so important? 

Without being able to communicate your needs or what boundaries you need, you may find yourself feeling an array of difficult emotions and feelings such as stress, anger, resentment, loneliness, or disappointment in reaction to how the people in your life act or speak. 

What is Assertive Communication? 

Assertive communication is a way to communicate feelings, thoughts, and beliefs openly and honestly while respecting yourself and others. 

What is the benefit of practicing Assertive Communication? 

When you communicate in an Assertive manner, you are able to speak honestly and truthfully about your thoughts and feelings while letting go of blame or shame. This allows you to communicate what you need, while also leaving room to listen and understand what the other person(s) may have to say in response. Communication in this manner may help eliminate the risk of escalation or misunderstanding. 

I vs You

In practicing Assertive Communication, it’s important to avoid using “you” statements such as, “you made me feel…” or “you make me feel…” Instead, focus on sharing what you’re feeling and thinking by using “I” statements. By sharing your own perception, your friend, family member, or coworker will be less likely to become defensive or combative. 

Assertive Communication Formula

The formula to practice Assertive Communication walks through determining what action you’d like to address, how it made you feel and why, and what you desire from the person. It’s important that in practicing this style of communication, you let go of the expectation of a specific outcome. You aren’t able to control how someone may react; all you can do is recognize the responsibility and importance of bravely sharing your own truth. 

1. Start with the statement “When you…” 

Here you will have the opportunity to pinpoint a specific moment or action that prompted your response. Stick to the facts, and leave emotion and feelings out of it. 

2. Next,  share how you feel/felt by using the statement “I feel/felt…” 

Here, you’re able to recognize that the feeling comes from your own perception or interpretation of events without putting blame or passive aggressiveness. 

3. Here, you will share the source of your feelings with “because…” 

This gives you the opportunity to define where your emotions are coming from and what is prompting you to discuss it now. 

4. Lastly, identify what your needs are and what you are hoping for with “What I want/need from you is…” 

Instead of only sharing how you feel, you are able to give the other person the opportunity to help meet your needs and respect your boundaries. 

When we put it all together, it looks like

“When you _________, I feel/felt ________ because __________. What I want/need from you is _____________.

Why is it so difficult to practice Assertive Communication?

There are many reasons why practicing Assertive Communication can feel challenging. Many of us are not taught how to effectively communicate and are left to learn from the examples of those in our lives when we’re young and impressionable. You may have had parents or caregivers that didn’t communicate feelings or emotions, or they may have had a passive aggressive or aggressive style of communication that led to arguing, fractured relationships, and/or avoidance of feelings. This often can create a pattern of feeling unable to and unsafe to clearly communicate. 

Another reason you may struggle with assertiveness is low self-esteem. When you cannot see the value in yourself, your emotions, experiences, and opinions, it can be difficult to clearly identify what you feel and what you need, let alone sharing those feelings with others. When you work on seeing your worth and recognizing that your needs matter, you can begin communicating more effectively. 

Disordered Eating and Assertive Communication 

In recovery from disordered eating, an essential part of the recovery process is to learn how to communicate assertively. Disordered eating itself is a way of communicating with yourself or others. Behaviors become a way to cope with difficult emotions or situations, or a way to show others we are hurting or struggling. Fortunately, learning to communicate without relying on disordered behaviors and food in recovery is possible. 

When we practice assertive communication, we let go of the need to rely on behaviors and can work on sharing with the power of our truth and words what we feel and need.