5 Ways To Keep Your Marriage Army Strong

Slowly, I peeked out through my fingers that covered my eyes. I felt the wind blow hard against my face. My legs dangled from my body, with the ocean 1,200 feet below. The harness was tightly secured around my body, but I felt anything but secure. My adventure-seeking boyfriend was strapped next to me, completely relaxed with a big smile on his face, but I was too busy fighting flashbacks from my last parasailing adventure.

See, I was traumatized from the last time I parasailed when I was 15 years old. All was going well during that ride until the driver of the boat slowed down and decided to dip me down into the water. Seems fun, right? Well, little did he know that I was being submerged into a school of jellyfish! I started waving and flailing like a crazy woman, trying to signal to lift me back up, but he thought I was just having a great time and waved back. Thanks, Mr. Boat Driver, for the bazillion jellyfish stings! Thus, I vowed to never parasail again.

But here I was, harnessed up again, this time at 27, up way too high for my liking. But I really liked the amazing guy next to me and wanted to appear brave, so I did it. Again. And prayed for no jellyfish dipping!

Not long after we were airborne and I looked a little less panicked, he told me that he had just been accepted into Officer Candidate School. He would be leaving in two weeks for Basic Training, then on to OCS. I knew he was pursuing the military, and each time he talked about possibly joining, I saw a little spark in his eye. As I expressed my excitement for his acceptance, he said, “But I can’t do this without you. Will you join me on this life-long adventure?” And out he pulled his car key ring readying it to slide onto my shaking finger (because Lord knows, I would’ve killed him if he brought an engagement ring up there!). I didn’t have to think twice about how I would answer his request. I knew I loved him, and I knew I wanted to marry him.

However, I knew nothing about being a milspouse and all that it entailed.

Cue military adventure commencing.

Fifteen years later, with eight moves, two beautiful children, four deployments (and countless TDYs) under our belt, we are still journeying on this military adventure hand-in-hand. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had our share of low points and blissful high points—just like any adventure does. But, we also discovered core values that we implement in our marriage that help us weather the stress of all that life throws at us.

Here are five things I do to best support my partner and keep our marriage strong in this wild, military adventure:

1. Be your spouse’s #1 fan.

Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” According to Twain, that means six compliments a year would have kept his love tank full. Your spouse will probably need more.

There is so much power in words of encouragement.

My husband has told me that he can receive compliments all day long from others, but my words and opinion of him have the most weight. That’s a lot of power I hold. It’s so easy to point out flaws, but I encourage you to pick a few things each day that you appreciate about your spouse and tell them. You may be surprised what it does for their heart.

2. Learn and practice your spouse’s love language.

This one act has truly transformed our marriage. We’re all made unique, and we need different things. What brings me joy and fills my heart is not the same thing that brings my husband joy and fills his heart.

Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a book called The 5 Love Languages. If you haven’t read it, I highly encourage you to do so. He writes about five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.

There are even books written to help you learn about your child’s love language and one specifically for military couples called The 5 Love Languages Military Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts. To get you started in determining which love language you/your spouse prefer, you can go to 5lovelanguages.com and take a quiz.

3. Be committed and trustworthy.

My husband has told me numerous times that he’s able to do his job well because he can trust me. When a service member is downrange and they’re worried about whether their partner is trustworthy, whether their finances are okay, whether the spouse at home might not be faithful, whether the kids and house are taken care of, it tremendously affects their ability to give 100% to the mission before them.

Your role is so important to your spouse’s calling as a service member.

Your spouse needs your full support and commitment. No, it isn’t always easy, but much of it is how we look at it. We can embrace the military lifestyle and thrive, or we can grumble, complain, and barely survive each day. Ask your spouse how you can best support them. And in return, tell them how they can best support you. This is a partnership, and you’re better together working as team to support each other.

4. Communicate your expectations.

You guys, this is probably the number one reason for most disagreements in our home. If you think about it, it may be yours, too! When we were in pre-marital counseling during our engagement, our wise counselor had us discuss our expectations for major life events: children, finances, sex, careers, homes, location, and others. Of course, we couldn’t talk about every possible expectation before we got married, but we’ve carried on this conversation over the years.

I vividly remember our very first disagreement due to expectations. I was a newlywed. We just moved to Fort Benning, Georgia, and I was so excited to learn how to be a “good military spouse.” I had some recipes passed down to me from family members and couldn’t wait to try them out. My husband came home to our little apartment one day, pretty worn out and tired from training. He gave me a hug and kiss and quickly looked around the kitchen hoping to discover dinner ready for him. I could read his mind, so I joyfully said, “I’m so glad you’re home! Now we can cook dinner.” His smile turned upside down real quick! I had not met his expectations!

Thus ensued our first conversation regarding expectations as a married couple. He was anticipating a hot, home-cooked meal when he walked in the door. His mom always cooked for his father and his siblings. I, on the other hand, have a father that loves to cook and was almost always part of preparing dinner. So my expectation was for my hubby to come gallivanting in, ready to conquer dinner with me. Boy, were our expectations off!

Ever since that experience, we talk about expectations a lot. Think about the last disagreement you had? Was it based on not communicating expectations? For example: It’s the weekend and your partner planned to go hang out with their buddies. You would do anything for a few hours to yourself after a long week at home with little ones. Your partner expects one thing. You expect another. Communicate. Let each other know the needs and try to compromise.

5. Don’t forget how to have fun together.

We moved to Colorado Springs, Colorado, more than two years ago after a grueling four years at Fort Bragg. During those four years in North Carolina, my husband was gone for more than two of them, also pursuing his master’s degree online. I was battling a lot of sickness and homeschooling two kids that desperately missed their daddy. It was just a hard season. I remember, as we were preparing to move to Colorado (which we were super excited about), my husband and I were talking about how we’d forgotten how to have fun together. With the intensity of his job and schedule, all the time he was away, and me just trying to survive, fun didn’t seem to fit in anywhere.

So, we made it a point to reclaim our fun when we moved to Colorado. And I think we’re doing pretty well. But there’s a trick to having fun. You have to be intentional. I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes you have to schedule it.

Schedule date nights.

Plan a getaway.

It can be going out of town to explore a new area, or it can be as simple as an after-dinner walk, or putting the kids to bed early and getting a Redbox movie for you and your spouse along with your favorite drink and snack.

Find another family and take turns watching each other’s kids for date nights. It doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. Just make time for each other. It’s precious time that you are investing in your marriage.

 

 

This military life is quite an adventure. There will be many highs and lows. You and your spouse are a team. You’re in this together, and your spouse can’t do this without you. Be his or her #1 fan, learn each other’s love language, be trustworthy and committed, communicate expectations, and don’t forget to have fun.

Hold on tight to each other and enjoy the ride.

What are some ways that you keep your marriage military strong? Share them in the comments.