An Imperfect Marriage
There are no perfect marriages out there. You may think that your friends have the perfect marriage, but guess what?
You’re wrong.
They still have conflict, but they figured out how to deal with it in a way that doesn’t tear the marriage or relationship apart.
Conflict is going to happen in everybody’s marriage at some point. The important question is, how do you resolve it? People typically deal with conflict in one of five ways:
1. Avoidance
A conflict that comes up often in my marriage classes is loading the dishwasher. So, here’s the deal for me. If the dishes are getting clean the way that I load the dishwasher and the dishes are getting clean the way that you load the dishwasher, then in the end, the dishes are clean.
It’s fine.
I can avoid that conflict. I can just let it go.
2. Accommodate
Accommodating the other person means that we are going to do it their way. My bride likes to sit in the front of the church—she was raised that way as a child of a missionary couple. I, on the other hand, prefer the back row. Joy is accommodating, so we sit toward the back of the church.
She feels that it’s feasible, appropriate, and does not come at significant personal cost. It’s important to stay aware of accommodations and make sure that they go both ways in your marriage.
3. Compete
“My way is the right way,” he said.
She responds, “Well, my way is the right way.”
He replies, “Well, my way is the right way, because I read it in a magazine.”
She responds, “Well, my way is the right way, because my mom said so.”
The issue with competing with each other in a marriage is the issue with competing anywhere. There’s a winner, and there’s a loser.
As I think back about conflicts in my life, I don’t lose well. I might say “great game” and shake hands when it’s over, but inside I’m restraining the 2-year-old who wants to cry, pout, and complain. If you can work it out with your inner angry toddler, that’s fine, but understand that competing is just a different choice in how you deal with conflict.
4. Compromise
Compromise is when each of you gives up a little bit and each of you gains a little bit. You work out a compromise where both of you are marginally happy and marginally unhappy, but you’ve worked it out together.
When we go to parties and take two different cars, some people will laugh at us. “You came in different cars?” they ask. Well, yes, we did, because we’re honoring each other as individuals in our marriage. It’s a compromise. I would like it if she stayed later and shared a little more of the party with me, and she would like it if I went home earlier and shared some quiet time, but it’s a compromise that we have worked out.
5. Collaboration
Collaboration is when the two of you work together to figure out what’s the optimum way for both of you to win. Having children has caused us to collaborate more, and in our marriage, it’s often driven by our kids’ schedules. We are more willing to take the time to find a creative solution that offers mutual respect, rapport, and effectiveness.
As our marriage has matured we are more willing to look for solutions to conflict resolution that may be imperfect but end up with a win/win. Use these strategies to create win/win results in your imperfect marriage, too!
