Finding Comfort in Discomfort

I’ve said on more than one occasion that I’m a better follower than a leader. People say I sounded like I was being self-deprecating, but I don’t see it that way.

I know myself.

I know my strengths, and I know my weaknesses. And then I became president of a spouses’ club, and all of my preconceived notions about myself went right out the window.

I’m an introvert. Actually, I’m the very definition of introvert. I used to think being shy and introverted were one in the same. I used to also think that my Social Anxiety Disorder was a result of being introverted. I’ve since discovered that they’re all mutually exclusive. You can be introverted and not shy. You can be shy and not have Social Anxiety Disorder.

Imagine my surprise.

How did I become president of the spouses’ club? I’m a sucker, and no one was running against me. If you say something with enough conviction, I will believe you. I mean, if anyone is so headstrong about something (that doesn’t violate my morals, needless to say), then they must be right.

Like I said, I’m a sucker.

A friend of mine told me how great I would be at it, and I said okay. In hindsight, I think I said okay because I wanted her to stop telling me how I awesome I am. I don’t take compliments well.

It makes me uncomfortable. Don’t ask.

So, we had our requisite super sign-up day. I’m shy and have severe anxiety, so I couldn’t sleep the night before. I was up most of the night, either pacing or playing Candy Crush. The morning of the membership drive, I showed up a half-hour early, just so I could sit in my car and decompress. I was wound so tightly, I was ready to explode at the first sight of something going wrong.

Somehow nothing went overtly wrong. There were times I needed to excuse myself to go to the bathroom and listen to myself breathe. There were times where I stood there, in agony, watching all of these people sign up to be members, shop, and eat food.

Why agony?

Because what I wanted to do was crawl into a corner and rock back and forth in the fetal position until they went away.

But I didn’t. I managed my anxiety, and I soldiered on.

Never mind the fact that, at the end of the day when I got in my car, my hands were shaking. Even though I was shaking like a leaf, that membership drive was a major milestone for me. If it were me a year ago, before therapy and medication, I would have pretended I was sick and not shown up. Social situations scare the crap out of me, and I’m pretty vocal about that fact. Why? Because I need people to know it’s not that I don’t like them, it’s that I am scared to death.

I have learned a lot about myself ever since I took on president of the spouses’ club.

I learned that I am not afraid to speak in front of a group of people. I learned that I’m capable of a lot more than I give myself credit for. I learned that I won’t go into a homicidal rage when I’m around people I don’t know. I learned that I am my own worst enemy. I learned that I am awesome at more things than I originally thought.

Imagine my surprise.