Bypassing Barriers to Friendship: Remove the Labels

I love being married to my husband, and I would never want to know what life would be like if we hadn’t decided to get married. As you know, he’s in the military and being married meant leaving my friends just three-ish months after our wedding.

“See you later, friends. This wife is off to a new adventure!”

It didn’t take long for some of my first big emotions being a military spouse to involve learning that making new friends isn’t easy. I would have loved to know six ways to make friends at a new duty station.

Making friends is something we all have to do at some point in our lives, like on the first day of kindergarten or even college, when you start a new job or attend a new church, when you uproot yourself and wind up somewhere completely new and far away from everything familiar.

I don’t have any special or innovative insights into where to meet your new friends. What I want to offer, though, are words of encouragement for how to meet new friends.

When you set about meeting your new friends, in your current duty station or a brand new one, remember this: Your new friends are going to be exactly that—new. You probably shouldn’t worry about anything else they might be, other than that they’ll be new, and if you’re lucky, they’ll be your friend.

People can be all kinds of things. For example, from the few paragraphs you’ve read so far, you can say that as a person, I’m married, I’m female, I’m heterosexual, I’m a military spouse, I’m open to new friends, and I’m one wordy blogger!

You can take my word for it that I’m also a bunch of other things—hearing impaired, educated, between the ages of 25 and 34, white, employed, childless, and so many other things. When it comes to the idea of me being your new friend, though, I would prefer it if you didn’t think about a single one of my labels.

Not one.

When the time comes that you’re the new face in town, I would steer clear of what I just did. Don’t put labels on yourself when you’re out there looking for friends. Your new friend will probably wind up having many different labels than you do, and that’s okay. It’s more than okay!

It’s enlightening.

For example, if you were looking for a new friend and I happen to have a shot at being your new friend, you probably ought to care more that we could have a great time talking and laughing together. I can be there for you if you need to cry or shout or vent. Even if we’re very different, I can do my best to listen and do my best to understand where you’re at or where you’re coming from. In fact, I will love having the chances to do so.

The truth is, that’s the best I can do. Try to be understanding. There’s no way I’ll ever know what it feels like to have asked my white friend if she’s ever heard of Emmett Till, only to have her say no, and know that she considers herself an educated person. There is no way I’ll ever know what it really and truly feels like to wonder—on a semi-regular basis—if the government will pass legislation that voids my marriage.

With the same understanding, I believe there are things I will go through, things that I may feel, that my friends cannot really ever fully understand. It doesn’t mean they won’t let me try to explain or benefit from a glimpse of something they’ve never encountered. It doesn’t mean they won’t have something encouraging or thought provoking to say in response.

I’m aware that some labels give advantages, fair or not, and some labels give reasons to struggle, fair or not.

You might never really know which or how many labels are giving someone a reason to struggle. Do yourself a favor and look for new friends without considering their labels. It’s hard enough to make friends without putting any barriers in your way.

So, on top of not putting labels on yourself, remember not to put labels on others either.

If you’re the spouse who is already established at your station, give all of the newbies the same chance to meet your awesome self. It won’t be long before you find yourself in their shoes, needing to start this whole meeting-people business all over again.

“Military spouse” is a pretty big label. I’m guessing most of you are military spouses. You want to know what though? In my five humble years as a military spouse, I’ve made just as many, if not more, new civilian friends as new milspouse friends. I’ve made friends with people of different races, different sexual preferences, different ages, and different genders. I’ve made friends with people who are parents and people who aren’t. I’ve made friends with people who are married and people who aren’t.

I’m thankful that I’ve been lucky enough to have been given the chance of friendship with so many.

Again, I would like to encourage you to consider doing the same. You don’t have to have a care in the world about any of their labels when you meet someone, but if you really must assign them a label, try one or both of these—“mine” and “friend.”

If you believe in bypassing barriers and giving everyone a fair chance at your friendship, I encourage you to like, share, and comment on this post.