Consistency in the Inconsistent: Helping Military Children with Special Needs

Consistency is essential in building safe boundaries yet still showing love and care to a child. 

Consistency can also help a child feel safe because they’ll always know someone is there to love them and take care of their essential needs as a human. Consistency in the military is rare. As the sun rises every day, I know that my service member’s plans with the military have changed in some aspect. There’s a running joke between military spouses when someone asks how long our service members will be gone, when we’re moving, or where we’re moving, and the answer is usually, “I don’t know.”

Bringing children into the military lifestyle can be hard.

Besides the regular hurdles parents go through like the endless nights of handling a baby, the temper tantrums of toddlerhood, the sassiness of elementary years, the foot-stomping and eye-rolling of middle-school years, and the attitude of high-school, military children experience it all, and often due to different circumstances. Either a parent is gone during the years of the tooth fairy or not there to help explain the heartache of a breakup.

Military children go through all of those stages but also have to deal with the inconsistencies that come with the military. They soon learn the phrase, “I don’t know” when asked questions by their peers. For most children, this lifestyle has taught them independence, resilience, and courage. For other children in military families, like children with special needs, finding something consistent is like finding a life vest in the open sea. They need the consistency to stay above water and excel, and finding ways to hold on to certain aspects (like how they learn in school) can feel impossible to parents (and children).

As a parent of a child with special needs, you learn quickly that you need an army of resources and an endless supply of stamina to get through the day, week, or school year. When your service member is away, it can make advocating for your child even more daunting.

My son has Autism. He is loving and smart. He has an obsession with birds and reading military books. He’s what some would call, “high-functioning autistic,” as in, he doesn’t need as many aids to help him in school as others do, and/or it doesn’t look like he has difficulties when you briefly meet him.

As he entered public school, I knew he’d need assistance through a 504 or an IEP, (these are documents that ensure a child with a special need is served and has access to free and appropriate public education—see the end of this post for more information about them). As a teacher, I also understood the difficult task it is to create these documents, (and I’m thankful my special education team helps me out).

504 and/or IEP meetings can be exhausting and challenging.

Sometimes you feel like you’re the only one advocating for your child in the room. Know that the educators are there to help, but many times have their hands tied on whether or not your child qualifies for educational assistance. For example, they may have difficulties at home, but if there isn’t enough proof that these issues are being seen or impacting your child’s education, it’s a hard fight to get plans in action.

Also, the meetings are made up of teachers and parents using educational jargon that teachers use daily without thinking about the general public. It’s a lot like when your service member speaks in acronyms that don’t mean what you think they do. The hardest aspect of these meetings is handling them alone while your spouse is gone; in training, in the field, or deployed.

For my family, we’ve been blessed with amazing teachers, but we’ve also had some who didn’t understand the world of Autism and the struggles it brings (honestly, I don’t understand it at times either, but I do know my son).

We know consistency is essential, but how do we accomplish this when inconsistency and change are the norm?

While I’m not going to pretend I know it all on how to raise a military child with special needs, I’ve learned a few tips and tricks as a mother and teacher that I love to pass along to others:

1. Remember it’s Team Family.

Before you go to meetings of any kind that involve your child, take notes of what you and your spouse want to accomplish, what your goal is, and how you want to see it play out. This is hard when your spouse is gone but so important to stay on the same page so you’re still a team when they’re back.

2. Record the meetings.

Be open and honest when you’re in meetings and notify the 504 or IEP team that you’re recording the meeting. This helps build trust and is legally sound. I usually record on my phone and just state, “I’m going to record this for my own record.” I keep my phone visible and always announce what I’m doing. What’s good about recording the meeting is being able to go through it again. Some meetings can be emotional, and your notes may lack important details. Also, my spouse likes to listen to the meetings, especially the hard meetings, when he’s gone.

3. Make copies.

Every paper you get, either from the school or doctor, make a copy or two. One trick I’ve learned is to write an “x” with a highlighter on the original paper. This helps me know which paper is the original and the highlighter doesn’t show up on the copy machine when I’m using it. Make sure to save your original papers, always.

4. Stay organized.

Keep all meeting and doctor papers in a binder or accordion folder that’s easy to get grab. Make sure you know where this folder is at all times. I’ve been asked for information numerous times and had to reach down for my folder. With PCSing, it’s important to have your own documents with you. Humans make errors but when it comes to forming an IEP or 504, it can take months of work, and you don’t want that hard work lost because someone didn’t fax it to the right location.

5. Make the first move.

As you enter a new school, don’t assume a meeting will automatically happen. Legally, a meeting will come, but the sooner a plan can be put in place within the new school, the sooner your child can have some consistency again.

6. Seek out help.

We’ll never know it all ourselves. Sometimes I feel I’m on a wild goose chase trying to track down the information and paperwork I need, especially when my husband is gone. Do you know what’s beautiful about the military? So many spouses have forged a path already, so never be afraid to ask local spouse groups for help or seek help from other military spouses. Many can share which schools do what, who to talk to, and where to go. Asking for help not only helps you lower your anxiety but can help you bond with other spouses.

Depart knowing that, while it can be stressful, especially when we’re in a world of change, you’re doing the best you can for your child and no one can do it better.

Look up your state’s special education laws. Most laws are the same, but having that information printed off or ready, can help you feel relaxed. You can find your state’s information by searching, “(your state’s name + education department).”

Learn the acronyms and your child’s rights with each one. This will help you have a stronger voice within the meetings. If you feel like your voice isn’t being heard, you can seek out a local advocate to sit with you. Many spouse pages online or through internet sources can help you find an advocate.

Remember, while the military can cause inconsistencies, these tricks can create a consistent place for your child and you to thrive. Below are resources that can help you along your path:

* IEP (Individual Education Program) covers students (K-12) under the IDEA (Individuals with Disabilities Education Act) who qualify for educational services through special education.

* 504 plans cover students who do not qualify for an IEP but still require some assistance in a school through classroom accommodations.

Resources:

• Military OneSource
  • Explanation of benefits
  • List of resources
  • Directory for children with special needs (broken down by age)
  • Ability to speak with a special needs consultant

• EFMP & Me (Exceptional Family Member Program)
  • Can be found on Military OneSource
  • Digital and tailored tool used to search through the DoD’s network of services for families of special needs
  • Each branch has their own EFMP to sign up for
• Parent Center Hub
  • Organization that serves by supporting parent centers that serve children with special needs
  • Private workshops
  • E-newsletters and family-friendly material on different topics
  • Online library with common search topics on IEPs and 504 laws
• Understood.org
• autism-society.org
• Easterseals.com
• National Association for Parents with Children in Special Education
• Parent to Parent USA
• National Center for Learning Disabilities
• U.S. Department of Education: A Guide to the IEP