Cultivating Kindness

Ah, February. The month of love and candy and stuff. I’ve never been a fan of Valentine’s Day, mostly because taking a special day to tell people that you love them seems really silly. Shouldn’t we be sharing love and kindness every day?

However, I think we can all admit that sometimes those people—the ones who are in our lives every day, give the most for us, and would, generally speaking, drop everything and come running if we needed—tend to be the easiest to neglect when it comes to day to day demonstrations of love.

Families are messy and complicated.

Living in a house full of different personalities, interests, needs, and wants can create a recipe for conflict every day. Whether it is competing for attention, annoyance that we might have to wait for what we want, or just plain forgetting to use our nice words because we are tired/hungry/bored/upset, forgetting to be kind is all too easy in the hustle and bustle of daily life. I would even dare to add that in the post-holiday haze,, it is easier than ever to fall in to the trap of forgetting to take care with the feelings of those around us.

Now, science is backing up what we’ve always known in our hearts.

Forgetting kindness is bad.

Bad for you, bad for others, bad for relationships.

Research has shown that kindness has actually been found to be the “glue” that holds relationships together and is the “most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage.”

I’m not a scientist but I would imagine that if this holds true for marriage, then the kindness factor is probably pretty darn significant for improving other relationships in our lives, including between siblings, friends, parents, and others.

In our family, we’ve had our own challenges with lack of kindness between our children. The constant low-level bickering, arguments over who knows what, and trying to get each other in trouble.

After a major brainstorming session with my sister about a few of these issues, an idea to help us actively cultivate kindness in our home was born: Our very own Kindness Counters.

Here’s what you need to make one:

1 small wooden crate

3 mason jars

1 roll of burlap ribbon

1 small bucket

3 different colored stones

1 inch wooden letters/shapes

Any acrylic paint you already have (I used a teal blue and white)

Chalkboard sign

 

I painted the crate teal blue and let it dry. Then I did a white “wash” over it by watering a small amount of white paint down with water, painting it on and then wiping it down with a paper towel. It just toned down the brightness of the teal and made it looked a little weathered.

I took the lids off the mason jars and removed that middle part, then screwed the lid back on so they were open at the top. I wrapped burlap ribbon around the jar and hot glued one end directly to the jar and the other end on top. I painted the letters white and the background shapes teal.

I sorted 20 “counter” stones of each color into a small bucket, using a different color for each child.

Here are the rules:

1. You can earn a counter by an Act of Kindness. This includes kind words and kind deeds, but you can’t tell on yourself (“I gave brother a bite of my cookie. Can I put a counter in my jar?”). The other person has to let Mommy or Daddy know that someone did something kind for them, or we have to catch them in the act.

2. Each kid has 20 counters. We are not finished until all the counters are out of the bucket. Once everyone has earned all their counter stones, we will take a trip to the Dollar Store. Yes, this is my kids’ favorite place to shop. Anything you want for one dollar?! Score!

3. Notice others’ kindness. Feel free to tattle on your siblings about what an awesome job they are doing being kind. Since no one gets the reward unless you all get the reward, teamwork just makes good business sense.

4. You cannot lose counters once they are in your jar. You earn it, you keep it. Simple as that. If you have a bad day, you probably won’t earn any counters, but you won’t lose any either. Sometimes, certain people, who shall remain nameless, start to lose things/privileges for poor choices, and they seem to figure, “Oh well, I’ve lost so much at this point I might as well go all in and just totally lose my mind. It can’t get any worse!” Here’s to hoping this will help counteract that line of thinking, knowing that they can always chose different behavior, and the counters they have earned for kindness will remind them (and us) that they can choose kindness instead.

Last week was our first full week, and by Sunday, the kids had earned all their counters. Our Dollar Store trip was a huge hit, and they’re already talking about more ways to be kind. Older kids might need a different reward, of course, but this works best for us because it’s small and simple but makes them feel very accomplished.

With this new tool, I’m hoping that the month of love takes on a whole new meaning for our family, and consciously choosing kindness every day will help make 2015 a great year for all the relationships in our home.

Love and kindness—they matters.

Are you going to try Kindness Counters? Share with us how it worked for your family?