Field Problem: R&R Advice
Dear, Field Problems:
I am expecting my fiancé back next month for his two weeks of R&R. I was interested in hearing topics on ideas for R&R and the best ways to spend time together without it being too overwhelming or underwhelming for that matter.
Erika; California; Army Reserve fiancée
Dear Erika:
We had babies for our husbands’ R&R leaves. One husband returned the night before a scheduled C-section for the delivery of a daddy’s girl. And one husband returned shortly after the actual birth of their second daughter. Keep in mind, we are seasoned Army spouses, and our husbands obviously had nine or more months to get used to the idea that they would be serving the needs of new mommies and babies and not hunting, vacationing in Disneyland, or plain kicking their feet up.
So, if you’re not prepared to offer that much excitement, read further for some less “overwhelming” suggestions.
First, make sure your service member is involved in the plans and make no surprises. Ask him what his mission is: true R&R, traveling (maybe extensively), helping you around the house, or entertaining. Anything goes at this brainstorming stage. Discuss both your missions (read: needs) and work now toward compromises.
If he wants to entertain…
If it’s normal for him to fire up the grill and host a lot, you might find yourself with the urge to fight him for alone time. Try integrating his family and friends into one or two small celebrations towards the last half, allowing you two to enjoy each other first. The initial time of decompression also allows him to weigh how he feels upon return. It’s normal for service members to return thinking they want to see everyone and do everything or just the opposite, but after a few days, they get their “lives back” and can make those decisions easier.
If he wants to travel…
Do something low key, something you know he’ll love. Often the new-found bigger pay checks inspire people to do something they’ve never tried like taking a cruise or shopping for a motorcycle. This is better left for a time after your service member has returned permanently and has had a chance to get his feet wet and head back into the decision-making process around the home. Budgets get tighter after a deployment, so make sure everyone is on board and saving for a mutually agreed upon, special re-deployment reward.
It’s not that you shouldn’t go somewhere big. Some people decide to meet at a choice destination or plan that Disneyland marathon. In fact, the military makes these big trips pretty enticing and easy with MWR programs where you can ski in Germany or surf in Hawaii at Armed Forces Recreation Centers. But, these things take planning, and balancing the needs of everyone is a must. If you’re normally adventurous go for it, but if it starts to feel too stressful—reevaluate.
Win-win ideas…
Some things with less planning and time commitment might be called for. Instead of going to Busch Gardens with free passes, one AWN co-founder went to a nearby Six Flags. Their military appreciation day was free as well. Instead of going to an NFL game, call the local college to see if they will extend a special discount. Been there, done that too—and it was free. Or instead of going to Hawaii, maybe there’s a closer coastal destination offering R&R deals like where another AWN co-founder’s family spent time on Hilton Head Island in South Carolina. You never know about discounts unless you ask.
Finally, remember the only perfect R&R is probably in our dreams. We’ve spent R&Rs on the road to go visit sick relatives, attend funerals, move, and even had to forgo R&R “for the needs of the military.” Focus on the real purpose or mission of R&R, which is to “refresh the force.” In this day and age, that includes the family. So don’t argue or stress, just do what your whole family desires and what your family can afford without keeping up with everyone or trying to impress a service member who already loves you.
Enjoy the process of planning, and have a restful, relaxing leave.
