Focus On Commonalities, Not Differences

Like many military spouses, a recent trip to the mailbox revealed a letter from the Office of People Analytics (OPA) within the Department of Defense. The letter was a fascinating look into the hundreds of thousands of lives that make up the milspouse tribe.

It was also a bit comical that the letter came with the subheading, “2019 DoD Survey of Active Duty Spouses.”

2019? Most of us are used to the military style of hurry-up-and-wait, but did the Department of Defense really just share findings with me two years after the fact?

GENDER

Not going to lie. No big surprise here. The OPA identified the military spouse community as 88% female and only 12% male. Perhaps I was a little surprised that the percentage of males was actually more than 10%. Men make up slightly more than 1 in 8 military spouses.

I like to joke with folks that being a male milspouse is a bit like being a unicorn, mentioned in stories but never seen. When looking up military spouse resources online with the Department of Defense I’m usually greeted by a picture of an ethnically diverse group of female spouses, but no men.

AGE

You know you’re getting old when they don’t include a bracket for your age group. The OPA groups ages by five-year increments, and then simply stops at 41+. Why? Because if you start your military career between 18 and 21, you’re done with your 20 years and your full retirement by 38 and 41 years old!

By looking at age, I see that 1 in 7 military spouses are in my general age neighborhood. I say general because 41-year-olds can seem like kids to me. Since times change slowly, not sure how many of these older milspouses are represented by the 1 in 8 military spouses that are also male. That unicorn just became the rarer rainbow unicorn variety.

As I continued to read other categories I felt more and more alienated within the milspouse universe as I was in the minority in several other buckets. When my wife joined the United States Army as an active-duty service member more than five years ago, I was uncomfortable, to say the least, as a milspouse. Seeing demographics like these only reinforced that lack of comfort that initially existed due to our non-traditional route to the military service as a second career.

CONNECTION

After taking time to think about the letter, I brushed off the initial feeling—that I was a subgroup of a subgroup of a subgroup.

I was falling into the trap where I focus on the differences I have with others rather than my commonality with them.

The milspouse tribe is unique in that, no matter if you’re young or old, black or white, male or female, Army or Navy, officer or enlisted, we all live with the possibility, however remote it may be in today’s world, that our loved one may go off to work one day and never come home. This fact alone binds us more than any differences can separate us.

But grieving the loss of American service members is not a separator between military spouses and nonmilitary spouses but a commonality Americans share.

I was reminded of this commonality as our nation watched in sorrow as 13 service members died at the Kabul airport in Afghanistan while trying to maintain order so that life could be preserved and saved. CBS News had a great piece by Sophie Reardon and Eleanor Watson on those individuals that told us more than just their names. You can read that piece here. Sophie and Eleanor painted a vignette for each life lost, enabling the reader to connect to that individual in a personal way.

REMEMBRANCE

When I read about Marine Corps Staff Sergeant Darin Hoover, Jr., and his father’s comment that he was, “the best kid in the world. Couldn’t ask for any better,” my heart ached. These are the words I try to say to my son each and every night because I truly can’t ask for any better. My heart aches for Darin Hoover, Sr., who no longer has the son for which he could find no better.

When I looked at the picture of Marine Corps Sergeant Nicole Gee gazing into the face of the infant she cradled in Afghanistan, as a parent I recognized that look. The look of an adult captivated by an infant, unable to detach emotionally. As an American it’s an image that represents our ideal—tough enough to protect, soft enough to be moved by an infant.

When l saw the picture of Navy Corpsman Maxton “Max” Soviak credited to Instragram, I went to Instagram to see why CBS chose the photo they did and not a different one. While on his profile I saw a tropical picture of presumably Corpsman Soviak jumping into the waters of Guam with the caption, “because also, if the world was coming to an end, I don’t wanna close my eyes without feeling like I lived.” That was posted 22 weeks before his world would come to an end. I think most of us have had those moments in our life without ever fully expecting that our life would end too soon. I wonder if Corpsman Soviak truly felt that his would.

When you read about each individual, you too will feel connected to those young lives in your own personal way because as Americans we have far more in common than we have in differences. Our nation is greatest when we’re one. Our nation is fortunate to have the United States Armed Forces consistently there to show America how to get back on the right track. Let these 13 individuals help show us the way to a greater nation, a more unified nation where we focus on how we are alike, not how we’re different.

These 13 came from all over this great land from different backgrounds, but it was the singular mission they shared that took their lives.

Below are the names of the remaining ten individuals who lost their lives on that day:

Army Staff Sergeant Ryan Knauss

Marine Corps Sergeant Johanny Rosario Pichardo

Marine Corps Corporal Hunter Lopez

Marine Corps Corporal Daegan Page

Marine Corps Corporal Humberto Sanchez

Marine Corps Lance Corporal David Espinoza

Marine Corps Lance Corporal Jared Schmitz

Marine Corps Lance Corporal Rylee McCollum

Marine Corps Lance Corporal Dylan Merola

Marine Corps Lance Corporal Kareem Nikoui