How to Cope with Milspouse Anxiety

I have always considered myself to be a Type A personality. I have a penchant for schedules and details and a dislike of chaos and running late. The thought of missing a deadline at school or work is enough to send my heart racing. Lists and calendars bring me inner peace, while last-minute plans give me a stomachache. Some might say, kindly, that I am just a driven, focused woman. However, after more than 30 years of living and nearly a decade as a milspouse, I have to give credit for these behaviors to a different cause entirely.

Anxiety.

As a milspouse, living with anxiety can be both a blessing and a curse. I’m sure hearing “anxiety” described in a positive light might come as a surprise, but hear me out: anxiety can hinder you and help you. Just as there are two sides to every coin, living with anxiety can feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

The Downside

A common source of anxiety for a military spouse can stem from the number of unknowns that are present in military life. Unknowns such as where your next PCS will take you, when your service member will be home from work or deployment, and whether you will be able to find a job at each new duty station. The list of largely unanswerable questions can feel unending. A large portion of anxiety can stem from a lack of control or a lack of knowledge regarding the future. Unfortunately, that is milspouse life in a nutshell.

Another aspect of military life that sends some spouses running for the hills is meeting new people. Can we say yikes? Meeting people can feel almost as hard as staying home and not having any friends at all. SFRG meetings, spouses’ coffees, and formals can all be triggers for anxiety. Again, being milspouses who move every few years requires us to constantly meet new people and make new friends. If stepping outside of our comfort zone was a life goal, we’d be absolutely crushing it!

The Upside

Now, let’s talk about a few of the ways in which anxiety can be beneficial, starting with those unknowns mentioned above. When we are unsure of our next duty station and waiting on that elusive RFO (Request for Orders), anxiety
will always be there to help us plan for all the potential possibilities. In my case, my mind will run and re-run through a checklist of possible duty stations, PCS driving routes, housing options, and job possibilities. Determined to not be surprised by anything, my anxiety maps out the possibilities and helps to plan accordingly when the answers start rolling in.

Anxiety can also help with military-related appointments. Because we can never be completely sure which paperwork is needed to accomplish a task, such as obtaining a new ID card or enrolling your children in child care, milspouses have learned to simply bring every possible document that might be even remotely related to the appointment. It is a rare day when I show up to an appointment without an entire file of paperwork at the ready.

Coping Mechanisms

Lastly, I’d like to you leave you with ways that I’ve personally learned to manage my own anxieties. While these might not work for everyone, my hope is that I can reach someone who can benefit from these ideas.

• Exercise is the first and most popular form of anxiety management. Yes, the kind that involves moving your body for a period of time to get your blood pumping. Research has shown that regular exercise is an excellent coping mechanism for all sorts of things, anxiety included. Activities such as running, walking, yoga, or Zumba can all serve as positive and healthy outlets for anxiety.
• Grounding techniques and meditation are introspective ways to help combat anxiety. A popular grounding technique is the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise, in which you focus on five things that you can see, four things you can feel, three things that you can hear, two things that you can smell, and one thing that you can taste. This activity helps to refocus your mental energy on something less stressful.
• Talking to a friend or doctor will also help alleviate your symptoms. Sometimes, all we need is a willing friend or family member to listen to our anxieties without diminishing our feelings. Other times, you may find that you need a little extra help managing your anxiety (which is perfectly fine). You doctor may have ideas about therapy or medication that could greatly increase your wellbeing. There is no reason to continue with a debilitating condition when there are options available to help you.

Anxiety is a real and difficult condition to cope with, especially when you are living the stressful life of a milspouse. Having a “tool kit” of coping mechanisms in your pocket to help you manage your symptoms is crucial. Remember that you are not alone in this journey. I am certain that if you reach out to those around you, you will be surprised to find how many of your friends and neighbors share a similar story.

To hear more about milspouse-related anxiety, please check out the following AWTR podcasts: Show # 710: Coping with Anxiety during Milspouse Transitions and Show #725: Depression, Anxiety, and Milspouse Mental Health.