Military Marriage: 10 Years Later
Editor’s note: Go here to watch the video for this post from the Army Wife Network Facebook Live “Milspouse Empowerment Moments.” You don’t want to miss AWN Owner and Commander wearing her wedding dress just a day before her 10 year anniversary!
Many of you might be wondering why I’m wearing my wedding dress on a seemingly random Thursday. Well, two reasons: life is short (so why not?) and today, as you might have gathered, I am talking all about military marriage—specifically the lessons I’ve learned since saying “I do” to my infantryman 10 years ago.
I joke that military marriage years are like “dog years,” so really we are somewhere between 50 and 70 years together based on all of the life experiences we’ve had in the last decade.
This Milspouse Empowerment Moment will hopefully be an encouragement to all “ages” of military marriage. While I absolutely don’t have it all figured out, I have learned A LOT. So, for those new milspouses recently married to your beloved service member: Welcome! You can do this!
For those who are in a season of “Yeesh, this is hard!” Welcome. You can do this.
For the “senior spouses” joining me: Welcome! You can do this!
(Are you noticing a pattern here?)
Here are four lessons I’ve learned and how I got there in the last 10 years of milspouse marriage (and 11.5 years of loving my soldier):
Lesson 1: Take off the pressure.
I remember when I fell head over heels with my Beloved Infantryman, Brandon.
Yes, I remember those first few months/years of our relationship/marriage. I had no idea what I was doing. I knew I loved this guy with all my heart, but for those folks who (sometimes unkindly) say, “You knew what you were getting into,” I say pshaw.
There’s no way to know what military marriage is really like until you are in it.
I am an achiever, so naturally, I wanted to do marriage “right.”
Um, pretty sure there’s not a formula or guidebook on how to do things “right” in military marriage. Plus, every marriage is different based on you and your service member’s background, experiences, preferences, MOS, love language, etc.
So the first lesson I learned was to take off some of the pressure—from both yourself and the service member. Remember that relationships aren’t an exact science and for a while, you are both probably just kind of winging it anyways.
A solid military marriage is not necessary something to “achieve,” but it is something we can intentionally work toward. As a milspouse newlywed, it’s important for us to understand that it probably will be hard—it’s a completely different culture with a new set of rules, a life of constantly changing no-plan-plans, and adjusting to a new relationship dynamic. Reality is a lot different from the movies. Getting a “senior spouse” to perhaps mentor and encourage you along the way can be helpful, but remember that your relationship is unique.
It is essential to stay the course. New milspouses, yes—this will take courage. You’re probably going to have to get out there and do things that you likely haven’t done before and live places that weren’t necessarily on your “list.” Your problem-solving skills are going to be activated in ways you never thought possible.
Take some pressure off yourself and know that your military marriage will likely be this blend of wonderful and difficult. When things seem to get overwhelming, remember your why—tap into the memories of your relationship or special wedding day and hang in there. Transitions can be challenging but worth it!
Lesson 2: Give all the grace.
I remember a conversation that I had with my husband after he returned from a 12-month deployment and a few days before our wedded bliss nuptials. We were sitting in our apartment, enjoying each other’s company. He turned to me and said, “Babe, can you make me a promise?”
Of course, my dearest, anything for you!
“I need you to promise that you won’t get mad at me for things the Army does. Most of these things are way out of my control, so please—you can get angry and frustrated, but don’t take it out on me.”
I scoffed quietly in my head. Ha! Of course! What an easy thing to promise! Why are we even having this conversation? Let me just get back to gazing at his baby blues…
I pledged to adhere to his wishes, thinking it was going to be a piece of cake. Apparently, I was living in “Pretend Land.”
I quickly discovered that it took serious effort to separate my frustrations with the Army schedule from the circle of control that my husband possessed. Because very rarely did they overlap.
I quickly learned that a key ingredient to marriage is grace. All the grace. Grace for my husband, grace for myself, and yes, even grace for the military.
It’s oayk to be frustrated, disappointed, and just downright tired, especially if you have children. Absolutely give yourself permission to feel those feelings. I’ve learned I have to direct my frustration in a semi-constructive way (For more on this, watch/listen to my last milspouse empowerment moment about Milspouse Coping, 101).
Very rarely is it “his fault” or “his choice,” and in those moments, I have to give so much grace—to both my soldier, the Army, and myself. When we get orders to an unplanned duty station or he sits down in front of me with the lead up of “I’ve got news,” it’s not like he went out and sought out ways to make things challenging. It’s simply the nature of the military missional system.
Our marriage is much more long-standing than the military career.
Lesson 3: The importance of respect.
This next lesson was a big one, and one that didn’t come naturally at all. It was a case of “I didn’t know what I didn’t know.”
(Random side note: Did you know that studies say that year seven of a relationship is often one of the most difficult? Something about this is the season that is usually the “little kid” stage of parenting, the new-ness/excitement of the relationship has long since worn off, high stress, life transitions, etc.)
I remember a time when my husband and I had been spending some time with the Chaplain Family Life Center at Joint Base Lewis McChord, just chatting about all things marriage. Our rockstar chaplain (Holla, Chappy J.R. Lorenzen!) recommended we read Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’s book Love and Respect.
Mind. Blown.
One part of the book really jumped out at me: When men are asked if their wife loves them, the answer is a resounding yes. But when asked if the wife respects them… It’s quite a bit more hesitant.
That revelation hit my like a ton of bricks. Shortly after that revelation, I got to work praying, reflecting, having conversations about what respect looks like for him. Because I wasn’t doing very well respecting him.
Before he arrived home from deployment, I got this (RESPECT HIM) tattooed on my forearm. It’s been a few years, and I’m still working on it (again, grace!) Ultimately, it’s not about perfection, but about progress.
Think about the “Warrior Culture” that is the military. It’s all about R-E-S-P-E-C-T. For many of our service members, being respected is a game changer—especially by their life-long battle buddy (that’s us… The spouse).
Lesson 4: Embrace the experience.
Finally, the last lesson comes only through experience. Trust me, hubs and I still have moments/seasons of “good grief,” but the last decade has cultivated resilience in both of us and our kids. The more we experience, the stronger we get. But the key is to open to growing and learning.
A lot of things in milspouse marriage comes down to our mindset and our willingness to work hard for our relationship by embracing the experience. We have to press into the challenges like PCSes, raising tiny humans, deployments, and uncertainty to find ways to come out stronger on the other side. That is the epitome of resilience. And a resilient spouse makes for a resilient marriage, which makes this milspouse marriage journey a lot more enjoyable, memorable, and empowering.
Look at the challenges as a personal mission to conquer. It’s most certainly not Mission: Impossible, but Mission: Empowerment if you are in the right frame of mind, proactive in sharing your feelings, and reach out for the resources that you need.
Milspouse marriage isn’t easy, but goodness gracious, it can be rewarding. I’m more in love with my husband now than I was 10 years ago when we said “I do” in Manhattan, Kansas.
I think of it like a campfire: Those early years of marriage/courtship are like a “new fire,” high and hot, doused with lighter fluid, but without the right fuel and care, might burn out.
Milspouse marriage a few years in is like the well-built fire, one with smoldering logs, and when you stoke it, it flares up again and can burn for hours, withstanding changing temps and windspeeds.
I hope the lessons I have learned help you, even if its just a little bit: Take off the pressure, give all the grace, remember the importance of respect, and embrace the experience.
The Milspouse Empowerment Moment was sponsored by First Command Financial Services. With four out of five of financial coaches coming from the ranks of military spouses or veterans, they’re uniquely qualified to help you pursue financial security within your military marriage. Find a financial coach near you by visiting firstcommand.com.
