Postpartum as a Military Spouse

Scrolling through Facebook, I am flooded with pictures of families smiling, kids playing, and other new moms with captions reading, “heart full.” I must stop scrolling because I can feel the tears coming down my face again. I had a baby five weeks ago, and I should be more like the photos I see of smiling faces. But most days, it takes all the strength I have to get out of my room. The dark side of having a baby that I was not prepared for was postpartum depression as a military spouse; especially when your service member is away.

This is my third (and last) child; a sweet baby boy.

I actually felt excellent the first week after having him. I felt just like I did with my other two children; normal. I took a billion pictures of him and threw them all over social media. About a week or so after giving birth, I began crying. I would cry when he cried. I cried when I couldn’t get the bottles fast enough for him.

I also had the worst thoughts.

Thoughts that my loving and supportive husband wanted nothing to do with me. Thoughts of him wanting to leave me. Not only was my body adjusting to postpartum life, but I also was living in a different state than my husband as he finished Engineer Basic Officer Leadership Course.

I consider myself very lucky, though, because our baby came early and on the weekend. With that said, my husband’s command was outstanding and let him have a 24-hour pass and he made it in time for the birth of our child. It wasn’t our plan for him to be able to come, but the stars aligned, and it worked out.

I loved watching him hold our baby and give him all of the kisses. Saying goodbye in the hospital was one of the hardest things. I knew I would see him again shortly, but my best friend and husband had to leave again and return to training. Even with my mom’s support, I felt so alone.

I was heartbroken and sobbed in the hospital room while I clung to my baby.

As the weeks went on, the number of pictures I took slowly dwindled. The loneliness crept in and began to harden my heart. My husband was actively doing his best in class and field exercises. He texted me every morning, “I love you,” and we Facetimed almost nightly. We were beyond blessed because I know many spouses do not have that luxury. On weekends, after our calls, he would sometimes go let off steam with friends in his class or have dinner with the group.

And as my heart continued to harden, I could feel the loneliness grow greater.

My husband did nothing wrong, but I had intrusive thoughts telling me lies of not being good enough for him, of him wanting to be with his friends over me, or of him enjoying this life more than his life back home. I would openly tell him my thoughts and constantly ask what he was doing (usually in a very accusatory tone). He did not know what was going on and kept saying, “only ___ more days and then I am home with you. I cannot wait,”

But that loneliness never left me.

Soon, I started not leaving the house. I then stopped going downstairs. I brought all of the baby stuff up to my room and stayed in my room. My other kids are much older and basically took care of themselves. I would order groceries for delivery to my house and then would order food to be brought to them during the day.

My hardened heart did not want food. In fact, I lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time. I remember going to a doctor’s appointment for our son, and the nurse complimented how fast I bounced back, not knowing I wasn’t eating.

As I started to open up to a few friends (a suggestion from my husband), they mentioned that I may have postpartum depression and that it sounded like what they went through. I shrugged it off until I couldn’t stop crying day in and day out. My daughter came into my room and tried to hold me, but all I felt was coldness and tears on my face.

That’s when I knew I needed help.

I called my OBGYN for an appointment, and she got me in the next day. As I sat in her office and looked through the brochures, all I saw was happiness;

Latching Made Easy…

New Mommy Classes…

Pregnancy Development by the Month… and so on.

I felt even more out of place that I saw nothing about how I felt.

After talking with my doctor and being officially diagnosed with postpartum depression, I slightly understood why I felt so lonely. As I left her office, she smiled and said,

“Get your community and let them love on you. It’s okay to admit you need help.”

But my mind wouldn’t let me go and as I walked to my car, I started to sob more. I sarcastically laughed, “my community!?”

Not only am I a military spouse with a spouse who is gone, but I am a National Guard wife. That means I do not live on post, near a post, or even know anyone in my husband’s unit (which is 3 hours away from our house). I have talked to a few friends in my town, but no one seemed to understand the aspect of my husband not being here.

That’s when I realized that “my community” may look different than others.

I reached out to two friends with military husbands (one was former military herself). They did not live near me, but they understood the struggles that a military spouse faces and being a mom on top of that. They listened, they let me cry on the phone, and they cared for me.

What I learned through my struggles is that not everyone’s community will look the same. Some will have a great group of people on post with them, and others may connect with their town community more, but I found that I was drawn closer to other military spouses, even if they lived in St. Louis or Colorado Springs.

As you start the journey of being a new mom, try to enjoy it.

Do not let loneliness steal your joy. If you are struggling with feelings of overwhelming sadness or are not able to do everyday tasks throughout the day, reach out to your doctor. Remember, you are not a burden to others; there is always someone who is willing to listen and be there for you; they just may not be right down the road.

*For more information on the signs/symptoms of postpartum depression, click here.

**Read more from the courageous Brooklyn Morgan.