The Other F Word… Feelings

We don’t talk enough in this country about mental health. This past year has been crazy for everyone. For me, it included having a baby, moving, and Chris deploying, so I was having a hard time handling life. Therefore, I decided to see an MFLC (Military and Family Life Consultant/Counselor).

My MFLC has completely changed the way I talk about my feelings. For starters, I’m not allowed to say “That makes me feel…” unless I follow it with an actual feeling. Think about it; it’s hard to do. Most of the time we follow that phrase with a description of someone else’s action or inaction. For example, that makes me feel like you aren’t listening to me. Sound familiar?

But when you actually try to put your feelings into words, it’s difficult; however, it does help to better explain your point of view without sounding like you’re blaming someone. And it has greatly improved my communication with my husband.

But that’s actually not the point of this post.

My MFLC was able to help me understand that it’s okay to feel two conflicting feelings at once. We’re complex creatures and have complex emotions that don’t happen in a vacuum. And sometimes we end up having two conflicting feelings at the same time.

With Chris coming home from deployment, I was a mess of emotions. There was the obvious excitement of him coming home. I was nervous about Owen remembering him. I was stressed because I wanted everything to be perfect for his homecoming—which it never is. And I was nervous to see how we would integrate our lives again after getting used to not having him home.

These conflicting emotions were really noticeable when Chris actually landed and had to go into quarantine for two weeks in the barracks. I’ve watched Chris’s plane land after deployment three times, and this time was the most anti-climactic moment I think I’ve ever experienced. I had all this buildup of excitement that he’s “home,” only to go home without him. And then once he landed, everyone sent messages of happiness that he was home safe and sound. And I was happy that he was out of danger.

However, that wasn’t my prominent feeling.

For me, not much changed in my day-to-day. Chris and I still Facetimed, and I was still holding down the fort at home. My prominent feeling was annoyance that he was so close and yet so far. That feeling brought on the guilt that I wasn’t happier, especially since everyone else was happy. Mixed in there was the understanding that this was necessary to keep everyone safe. But all these feelings are normal, particularly in a time when we are re-defining what normal looks like.

So this holiday season, as plans are canceled and traditions look different, remember that it’s okay to feel all the feelings: Nervousness about what is happening; happiness because it is the holiday season, after all; sadness about not being able to be with loved ones; and all the other emotions of the rainbow.

Happy Quarantined Holidays, Everyone!

P.S.: For some happy tears, here is the video of Chris’s homecoming. Thanks again to Life’s Adventure for capturing this special moment!