The Perfect Year

Close your eyes, and picture your perfect year with your spouse.

Each of us will have different images in our heads. Maybe you’ll be traveling together, or maybe you’ll both be achieving career success. Maybe you’ll be spending time with your family, or maybe starting that new family. For the most part, your perfect year would include time together, right?

As I sat down to think about my relationship with my husband, I realized that this past year was literally what I would have imagined when I closed my eyes.

We didn’t have any deployments, or training, or time apart, and according to my love language (quality time), it should have been all five stars—would recommend. But, we still had our struggles, and we actually had difficulty finding a rhythm because he was around All. The. Time.

We had to find ways to separate the normal day-to-day activities with those that helped build our relationship, all while dealing with the pandemic. Let’s just say, it was quite the adjustment.

At the beginning, we spent many nights either in separate rooms doing our own things or sitting next to one another on the couch doing separate things. We were exhausted, and after being around one another for the entire day, we wanted a few moments to ourselves.

After a month or two of being disconnected, we found a groove and realized the three things that helped save us from growing apart:

1. Common Interests

We created a list of movies to watch together. More specifically, we found a list of the Oscar-winning movies from the past 92 years and watched them in order from best to worst. Many of the “classics” were brand new to us, and we really enjoyed seeing those for the first time with one another. It was nice to have a plan that created time together, and we enjoyed discussing the movies like we were critics.

2. Date Nights

We found time to make date nights happen weekly. I’m not talking about the classic “get dressed up and go out to dinner” date nights. Eating at restaurants wasn’t really allowed yet, and finding a sitter was not easy, so we had to make-do on our own. We would typically spend time outside on our porch or even double-date with a neighbor on their porch. But the point was that we were making time to be with one another and have conversations beyond the humdrum, “Did you get the mail yet?”

3. Honesty

There is such a thing as too much time with someone. We had to be honest with one another and allow some space for moments when we just needed a break. After a long day of kids tugging on my shirt or asking me a million questions, I might need to veg out with a chick flick or something super light, and my husband will take that opportunity to either play a video game or watch one of his shows. It’s win-win, but only when both parties are communicating what they really want. This is where the honesty part comes in! Because if I don’t tell my husband that I want to hang out with him, and he chooses to play video games, things can get a little dicey.

Unmet expectations are the biggest downfall of relationships!

When you’re not speaking your truth to your spouse, they can’t be expected to know what you want. Many times, I will take that into consideration, and just hang out with him while he plays his game, but if I’m not thinking straight, it could end up hurting my feelings.

Marriage will never be one of those perfect relationships we have witnessed in movies or on our social media feeds. Those are simply the highlight reels. What they aren’t showing is the behind the scenes, when the silly arguments happen about washing the dishes, and the laundry is piling up higher and higher to see who will cave first. You have to actually work for your marriage and take the time to really connect, discussing things deeper than surface level.

One of my favorite quotes that someone wrote in a wedding card is, “Nobody said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it.”

Whether your spouse is home every day/night or if they are currently away, you have to put the effort in and actually connect with one another. Find ways to share special moments together, and make sure you’re honest about how you’re feeling. Nothing is ever going to be perfect, but I promise, it will be worth it.