The Things We Grieve

To the civilians on the outside of military families, there are only few life circumstances to which they can relate. Often, there are many life experiences that can be hard to relate to when you aren’t in the thick of military service. Last month, I wrote a blog called It’s Okay to Struggle in hopes of normalizing the struggles that each of us as military spouses may experience, and in turn, empower us to be honest about the hard things we’re going through. This month, I wanted to try something different. Naming the things we grieve.

In this piece, I wanted to take a moment to name the things military spouses may grieve. Going through our recent deployment, I found that using the word “grief” to describe my struggle when my husband was still alive and well was difficult for some of my loved ones to wrap their heads around.

I found it even more difficult to explain.

How in the world could I describe grieving when my husband was safe while so many others have experienced so much worse?

How could I describe this without comparing myself to someone who lost their loved one?

Many times I chose not to describe it in hopes of not offending anyone.

But the truth was, I was grieving his life.

I wasn’t sure if he’d come home, so I began to grieve our life together, not knowing what was to come.

When your spouse signs up to give their life if the mission calls for it, grieving can come whether or not we experience any loss of life. Just as our service members must be ready to give up their life at any time, we must be prepared to lose them.

My hope is to offer some perspective to civilians who are close to military families, so they may be able to understand what their loved ones may be experiencing. There are so many things military spouses are expected to weather through—and we will!

Yet, that doesn’t mean our hearts don’t feel the pain these times can bring.

Whether a resource we use to help our loved ones understand our experience or a reassurance for ourselves that we aren’t alone, here is a list of things that may cause military spouses and families to feel grief that may not be so obvious (in no particular order):

1. An injured service member whose life and family life now changes. This can be a visible injury or not. Injuries that aren’t visible can be some of the most challenging to navigate!

2. A service member dealing with psychological or emotional changes from service experiences.

3. PCSing to a new home and leaving loved ones

4. A deployed service member hundreds or thousands of miles away.

5. A service member away on a mission or training, especially when the family is new, had a new baby, having family or marital trouble/challenges, or simply struggling with the separation.

6. An impending deployment.

7. Inability to communicate with a service member based on mission or training for extended period of time, unsure of their safety.

8. Reintegrating from a deployment. Especially when a child doesn’t immediately connect with their returning parent, they realize how much they’ve missed, and time has passed and things have changed for both spouses.

There’s so much loss that many of us may experience as military spouses. Yet we also know the tremendous gains. Here’s to helping the civilian world learn a little bit more about the world we share as military spouses.

Don’t hesitate to tell your loved ones what you’re going through.

You aren’t alone.

We’re in this together!