Trying is Hard
Come and take a ride with me. It’s a ride that has been long, bumpy, challenging, and a test of my emotions. Even though I thought I was ready, I wasn’t. Rest assured—if you’re going through this same ride, you aren’t alone.
Numerous times I’ve counted the days, waited the two weeks, and told myself not to get excited—all the while talking to my belly when I’m alone.
But inevitably the day comes.
Time to pee on a stick and see if my life is about to change forever, or if I’ll grab my husband, Chris, and our dog, Harry, and all cuddle on the couch with a sad movie.
Those two weeks of waiting and the subsequent two minutes feel like an eternity.
There’s never anything I can do to occupy those mentally exhausting two minutes until the test result is visible. On the day, I take the test alone so I can either surprise Chris or brace myself for ruin.
The moment I see one line instead of two, my knees go weak, my eyes immediately fill up with tears, and I’ve suddenly lost the ability to speak. If someone were to walk in then, I would pull myself together. But left to my own devices I simply crumble.
I’m unable to cope with anything else that day.
Honestly, the only thing that saves me from wallowing in my own devastation is hanging out with my friends. If I go out with friends, it’s a little escape. I’m able to forget about things for a little while and concentrate on enjoying the company. In contrast, my husband’s arms are the safe space where I can hide out and cry.
I don’t care if you’ve been trying to get pregnant for a month or five years—a negative test result is still devastating, wherever you are in this journey. There’s a wonderful Ted Talk by Ash Beckham, whose moral is that “hard is not relative, hard is hard.” I think of this every time someone apologizes for venting to me when they hear that our struggle has been longer.
Your struggle matters, and I’ve found that talking about it helps. Choose someone you trust, a stranger, or a group of people going through the same thing that you can confide in. No matter what, some people will say something to upset you. Simply take note of this and know who is best to lean on in hard times.
Your significant other is one of the best options of people to confide in. Don’t forget to let them vent to you as well. If they aren’t very forthcoming, don’t be afraid to let them know if you need to hear what they’re feeling.
Remember that you’re in this together and it’s affecting both of you.
When Chris and I were trying to conceive (a lot of forums will shorten it to TTC), we had very open discussions. Obviously, the first discussion was that we both wanted to have kids and we wanted to have two kids. After a couple of months of being unsuccessful, we decided to both get checked out. But that’s a subject for another blog post.
We’ve also talked about what we would do if our tests were negative, what our different options were, how long we would try each option for, and what to do if nothing seemed to work. These are all difficult topics, but necessary to ensure you’re both on the same page along this journey.
If you’re dealing with infertility, I hope your journey is short. I understand the need to talk to someone, so please feel free to reach out to me with questions, concerns, or to vent about how it isn’t fair. In the meantime, love up on those babies that are in your life.
I may be biased, but we do make the best aunts.
