What Not to Say

Infertility is difficult. I don’t care how long you’ve dealt with it, it’s still hard. And sometimes what doesn’t help is other people’s reaction to you telling them what you’re going through.

I know people have good intentions. However, this is where my dad would remind me about a path to somewhere not so nice being paved with good intentions. And it’s hard when you’re dealing with something so emotional.

So if you know someone going through this, let me help you with what not to say:

1. “It’ll happen when it’ll happen.”

This really isn’t saying much anyway—what does that mean? Since it hasn’t happened yet, this isn’t comforting.

2. “It’ll happen when you stop stressing about it.”

Okay, don’t think about purple elephants. Now tell me, did you just think about purple elephants? Of course, you did. It’s almost an impossibility to not stress about this.

3. “It’ll happen when you stop trying.”

Some people are spending so much money and emotional energy, this simply is not comforting. Plus, unless you’re their doctor and know that no other treatment/process will work, this isn’t accurate.

4. “Have you thought about adoption?”

Adoption is expensive and a lengthy process and one that is personal. If the person has considered it and you’re a close friend, they’ll share when they’re ready. But unless you’re a doctor, try not to suggest treatments or alternatives.

5. “It’s only been X amount of time.”

Any amount of time trying to conceive feels like a long time. Especially because there are some couples out there that are able to conceive on the first try. The same goes for commenting on how young the couple is that is going through this.

6. “You’re lucky.”

Somehow trying to imply that they’re able to enjoy the peace and quiet without kids will not help. We all know that kids can be loud, demanding, messy, and more, but we want that chance to be annoyed at our kids, because then we’ll have kids.

7. “This is God’s plan.”

This one comes with a caveat. If you know the person and know that they’re religious, maybe this will help. Even then, I would hesitate. This one assumes that the person you’re talking to both believes in God and would find this comforting.

Now, you might be thinking, “All right, then what should I say?’

Honestly, there’s no good thing to say. But one thing you can do is listen and be honest. I would never be upset with someone for saying they don’t know what to say. I would agree with them that there really isn’t anything to say. See if they want to talk about things and simply be there for them. Or, if they don’t want to talk, maybe they’re looking for a distraction.

My friends knew what I was going through when we did IVF, and they were always supportive. Sometimes I needed a shoulder to cry on, and sometimes I needed to get out and not think about fertility.

To anyone going through fertility, I hope that your journey is short. And if you need someone to talk to—or just listen—feel free to reach out.