Your Military Child Will Be Okay, Mama

On our journey of military life we tend to only think of our friends as our battle buddies. Truth is, there are many types of battle buddies. From your friends, neighbors, spouse, even unit members, all the way down to your pets. One battle buddy pairing that is often left unrecognized is the one of you and your child. You are your child’s biggest cheerleader, their rock, and their example. How you handle this military life and the energy you put into their success on the journey is imperative to their well-being.

A few days ago I read a note from a good friend of mine:

“My little man is not handling this PCS well. I talk to him about it all the time. I tell him where we are going, read him PCS books, and show him pictures of all the things he has to look forward to. Today, he realized he probably wouldn’t see any of his friends here in Korea again. I don’t know how else to explain to him what is happening. He’s right; we probably won’t. The movers came and packed all of our household goods. I reassured him he would see his toys again in America. I just don’t know what else to do to make this better for him. Help!”

Oh, how I knew this pain. Less than a year ago we PCS’d, and my normally-roll-with-the-punches almost teenage daughter was no longer rolling with the punches at all. She fell into a depression. She was not herself. Despite every effort this mama made to make things better—to include our Disney cruise and brand new home we were moving into, new clothes, and hairstyle for back to school—nothing was going to “fix” what ailed her. She was terrified of the sheer size of her new school (to be honest, so were we). She was overwhelmed at the prospect of starting over again. She had the PCS basics down because she had done it so many times before, but this time was different. She spent most of the summer alone up in her bedroom. She rarely came out to play or enjoy regular summer activities. She was always on her phone, and constantly asking me if we would ever return to Lawton, Oklahoma (Fort Sill), so that she could see her friends again.

It wasn’t until summer wrapped up and she started school (and even then it took a few months) that she began to make her way back to normal. She found her place at the new school and she developed a love of music that she was able to grow through with the new school’s incredible choir program. Things started looking up, and I realized she was going to be okay.

Recently, my husband and I sat down with our Army timeline. We had decisions to make. The first thing on my list of discussion topics was the fact that we will soon PCS again. I wanted to make sure that, no matter what we did, we were aware of the high school stabilization request. It was important to me that we tried everything we could to allow our oldest to graduate from a high school she had at least attended for three or four years. I wanted her to have some sort of stability. I knew she would be fine, no matter what, but I wanted to try for her.

We talked about our options, where to go, plans A through Z that we could fathom the Army might throw our way, how long we wanted to remain in, and retirement possibilities. We considered it all. I teared up. Moving her again, away from her friends and going through the heartache that kid and this mama endured last summer was heartbreaking to me. I love our military journey. We are better for it. She is better for it. It still hurt.

Then we discussed the fact that had we never moved from Georgia to Oklahoma she wouldn’t have her Oklahoma friends and if she hadn’t moved from Oklahoma to Texas she’d never have her Texas friends. She’s well-rounded, had her eyes opened to many experiences, cultures, and ways of life. She’s traveled so much now maybe she knows where she wants her roots. She’s resilient. That eased my mind a bit. We made our decision taking into account all viable and plausible options and decided where we wanted to guide our path.

When I read the note my friend posted, all of the replies were centered on resources. That’s the first thing I would have replied, too—what worked for me and my child and what resources could I pack in my PCS backpack to help ease the transition of moving. For whatever reason, I wasn’t feeling that answer was the one that she needed to hear. She’s a resourceful girl. I knew she knew how to research and find those tools out there to help and even if she didn’t, her plethora of battle buddies were right there in the wings sharing what worked for them.

What I told her was different than any answer I have ever given to anyone before—and I think that recent events might have inspired it because, typically, I’d be right there with the other battles offering up resources, too. I told her it was all going to be okay.

Mama,

You are helpless. It is a feeling you are not used to. It makes you feel… anxious. You’re a fixer. You can’t make this easy or right. You’re excited, but also sad yourself, and you have more of an idea what to expect. How can you make him understand? You can’t. 

You’ve done all the right things and said all the right things. You can help him with many of the resources your friends listed, but as much as it kills you, there is nothing you can do to make him right with it. He has to do that himself. All you can do is be a supportive and wonderful example of saying it’s hard, we are sad, but we are also excited and this is how we handle change. He will learn in that. He will see your example. He will follow your lead. 

You are doing everything right, mama. It will all fall together. I promise. I’m you. I’ve been there. Later, copy and paste this and make me read it back. I won’t believe you just like you don’t believe me now, and I’ll be sad and I’ll decide nothing will make it better and then you’ll remind me of the time that my daughter moved from OK to TX and fell into depression and how she made it through. Then you’ll tell me about the time your son moved from Korea to the US and how he was so nervous about his first move, but how happy he is with all of his new friends now. 

So, all of you mamas out there, if you are sitting here reading this post right now, smack dab in the middle of a PCS or debating on what to do with your family according to “Army” life planning, know that you taking the best interest of your child to heart, there is no way that you will go wrong. Your milkid will be okay. Trust me. Trust yourself.

What challenges have you met with moving or military life and your children? What resources have you found particularly helpful? Share with us below. 

Tried and true resources for PCS, military children, and more can be found at Army Wife Network. Specifically visit these pages:

• Post with the Most series
• Care Package Ideas for Military Spouse Appreciation
• I Want a Friend That’s “Normal”